Growing

Yesterday afternoon, I got off way early (after only working 3 hours!  I love psychiatry hours!) and picked Julia up.  I fed her shortly after we got home and she fell asleep.  It took me a little while to feel motivated to get some of the 2340924502934 things done that I needed to get done, but I worked on a list of my priority items to accomplish, got changed into some shorts, pulled my hair back, and was putting on my sneakers, actually excited to get started (I know, right?!), when Julia began crying.

Of course.

So, I went to pick her up, and she was in a very clingy, weepy mood.  Every time I tried to set her down, she started crying.  I was still feeling motivated about chipping away at the 2340924502934 things, so I decided I'd put on the Moby wrap and carry her as I got some stuff done around the house.  I had the brilliant idea to try the hip hold, which I'd never done before, and, as I wasn't sure where the Moby manual was (finding it is probably among the 2340924502934 things I need to get done) I tried to look up online how to do it.  I had trouble finding good instructions, which grew ever more frustrating as Julia continued to whine. 

Finally, I found some instructions, but I had trouble following them.  I had set Julia on our bed as I attempted to tie the Moby on.  She kept crawling toward me, crying, wanting to be held.  As she would approach the edge of the bed, I kept picking her up, setting her back down in the center of the bed, which just made her madder.  We've had the air conditioning off since it's been so nice, but yesterday was hotter, and as I kept messing with the Moby, which suddenly seemed 1209301298 yards long, I felt like it was 560985645 degrees on our house, as I was getting so hot and annoyed.  I tried to explain to Julia that the reason I wasn't holding her at that second was because I was working on a plan to be able to hold her all afternoon, even while I was doing some chores, but, while Julia is a smart 9 1/2 month old, she may have had just a little trouble following my logic. 

I finally yelled, "THIS IS TOO HARD!!!!!  I GIVE UP!!!!!" and threw the 1209301298-yard-long Moby onto my bedroom floor (making my list of things to do now 2340924502935 items long) and angrily picked Julia up and held her until she stopped crying.

As I sat there, holding Julia, my anger dissipated, and I was finally able to appreciate the gift of my beautiful baby and appreciate the situation for what it was:  ridiculous.  I thought about how stupid it was that I lost my temper over something so trivial.  And yet, as I'm sure every parent, and every person, really, can attest, it's often these silly situations that make virtue seem so hard.  To remain charitable and patient and calm in the midst of crying and messiness can seem so difficult in the heat of the moment.

But those sorts of challenges are EXACTLY what I need to grow in grace, to refine my soul.  And Julia Grace is the perfect person to stretch me.  She seems to often know the perfect way to challenge me, and she always has.  Aaron and I always used to joke that Julia was a great sleeper, except on the nights before tests, when we had a lot of studying to get done and also needed some quality sleep.  And it's true.  It seems that a lot of the time, she naturally senses stress, and that's when she adds her own stress into the mix, creating perfect opportunities for either immature meltdowns, like the one I had yesterday, or self-sacrificial poise and strength, at the precise moments it seems the hardest.

The other reason Julia is a perfect teacher for me in the school of virtue is that, at this age, nothing is ever her fault.  I should never lose my temper with anyone, but if I do lose it with Aaron, for instance, I have a much easier time rationalizing it and downplaying my sin, because he probably does have some culpability in the given situation.  Julia makes me see my shortcomings for what they are, because there aren't two-sides to the story when she's involved.  If I'm impatient, that's my own fault.  She is not at all to blame; she's just an innocent baby.

There have been times that I've thought back on times pre-baby, and have said, with a small sigh, to Aaron, "Remember how easy X, Y, or Z used to be!"  His response is always, with a smile, "Yeah.  It was too easy!"  And, I think, as usual, he's right.  Jesus never promised it would be easy, just that He would be with us.  And how can we grow in holiness if we're not stretched?  If life becomes too easy, too indulgent, too self-centered?  God knows exactly what each of His children need to grow, and, praise Him, He gives it to us!

I would never trade away Julia for "easy" any day because I love her so, so much and she brings so much goodness and joy into my life.  But, even in our "worst" moments together, our moments when it feels like it's 560985645 degrees and we're both either crying or on the verge of frustrated tears,  Julia and I are working so much good in each others' lives.  Julia is a catalyst for growth in me, and I know that God will use me as a catalyst of growth for her, despite my weaknesses and unworthiness. To God be the glory.