I'm excited to be back home again. I'm excited to get to spend time every single day with my beloved husband and daughter (!), to get to sleep in my own bed, to not have to pack a suitcase anymore, to not have to struggle to stay awake at the wheel during early morning drives with beautiful, but monotonous scenery, and to get to cook again, rather than being at the mercy of the hospital kitchen ;-).
But, it's been a good month in a lot of ways. I told Meghan this evening that I was surprised to have some bittersweet feelings that this month is ending, in addition to the predominant happy feelings, but they're there.
It was a good month for me professionally. I was excited to get to see a lot of children this month, which helped confirm the decision I finally made last month to hopefully pursue a residency in pediatrics (hooray!) after medical school. I also feel like a lot of my training really gelled this month. I felt the most confident I've ever felt, both with my ability to take a thorough yet efficient history and physical, and my ability to accurately diagnose and come up with a comprehensive management plan. I found myself thinking a lot of time, "Wow. I know exactly what that is. And I know exactly what to do about it. W :-O W. When did that happen??"
My improved comfort level in my technical abilities also made it easier for me to relax and enjoy my patient encounters and to work on developing my own unique style of bedside manner. Instead of just being satisfied to have gotten through a patient encounter successfully, I was able to reflect critically on the encounter, trying to integrate these reflections into the next encounter, consciously trying to improve with each patient. You have to know the notes and rhythm of a piece of music before you can work on the dynamics, articulation, more subtle aspects of musical development, and I felt like I was able to work on actually making a beautiful song this month much more than past months. It was exciting!
It was also a good month for me on a personal level. I had to relearn an important lesson that I'd learned last summer:
When I first started rotations last July, I looked calm on the outside, but inside I felt very anxious. It was the most I'd been apart from Julia, and I felt frantic to get to her as soon as possible, even though I knew she was being well taken care of and loved on by my parents, and, ultimately, by God. I finally had to realize that I was torturing myself missing her, worrying about her, and feeling guilty about not being with her. I had to let go and let God. I had to give myself permission to enjoy my rotations, to enjoy spending time learning and helping patients. That it was okay for me to be okay apart from her. That my worrying about having time together, did not, in fact, add a single moment to our time together. That my making myself miserable did nothing for Julia. Nothing. That she was happy and that she would want me to be happy. I pray Julia will look back on her childhood and understand that I felt called by God to be both a mother and a doctor, and that I believe God has a plan for me to do His work through my vocation and through my profession. But, I don't think Julia would look back on her childhood and feel as understanding of my demanding professional road if I was miserable all the while. At that point, what would the point even be? If I felt called to be a mom and a doctor, I was going to have to do both with joy. And I wanted to... I just had to give myself permission that it was okay to be joyful. Not only okay, really, but my calling as a Christian. There are many difficult sacrifices to be made on this path I'm on, and it's natural to miss Julia, but I can do something more constructive with these feelings than dwelling on them and getting upset and grumpy. Namely, I can offer up my prayers, joys, and sacrifices of the day to God out of love for Him and love for my family, and do so with a cheerful heart.
So, I went from being so uptight inside and smiling on the outside, to smiling on the outside AND on the inside. It made my life so much better, and I think it helped shed some light in darkness. A few people commented to me or Aaron that I was one of the most joyful (or "sparkly," according to one resident ;-) ) people in the hospital. On some of our most difficult rotations, some classmates and I made a habit of positive thinking and affirming, every day, that it was a great day. Because every day is a great day. Every day is a gift. I am so blessed to be alive, to be a daughter of God, to be a wife, to be a mother, to be a sister, to be a friend, to be a student doctor.
Anyhow, apparently, I'm not the best at extrapolating lessons I've learned. It would have been logical to extend that good attitude to this month of having to be far from home, but, instead, I was obtuse and ended up being rather negative going into the month, resenting the fact that I had to be away from Julia. So, I had to realize anew that my negativity does nothing for Julia. Nothing. To realize that I do much more good for her by being positive and cheerful and prayerful, even from far away, than frustrated and bitter and sad. To realize anew that she was well-taken care of while I was away, by her father and grandparents who love her, and, especially, by her Father who loves her. And give myself permission to enjoy the present, the day that God has given, regardless of where I am or who I'm with.
Once I was able to let go, I really did enjoy my time here. I went to the park here several times and was in awe of the beauty of God's creation and how fresh the air is outside of a large city. I got to swing on the playground, to enjoy some new music, to read some great books, to try some local restaurants... to take advantage of a few nights of less responsibility. I was able to get some great blogging done (right? haha ;-) ), I was able to study much more than at home, and I got some good praying and reflecting done.
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| Enjoying the beauty of the creek's overflow waterfall at the park one day during my lunch break. |
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| Enjoying the beauty one evening. |
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| You gotta swing when the spirit says swing. |
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| Local flavor. I'm always up for an adventure! ;-) |
Praise be God for His patience with me. For gently reteaching me lessons when I stubbornly cling to fear and anxiety. For loving me and being so generous with me even when I am ungrateful and blind. And praise God for the freedom and joy that come from trust and surrender.
Thank you, God, for always giving me exactly what I need, instead of exactly what I think I need. And thank you for a beautiful month.
I sing because I'm happy, I sing because I'm free
For His eye is on the sparrow, His eye is on the sparrow
And I know He's watching me
"He said to [his] disciples, 'Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life and what you will eat, or about your body and what you will wear. For life is more than food and the body more than clothing. Notice the ravens: they do not sow or reap; they have neither storehouse nor barn, yet God feeds them. How much more important are you than birds! Can any of you by worrying add a moment to your lifespan? If even the smallest things are beyond your control, why are you anxious about the rest?'" - Luke 12:22-26
"And do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. But rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father’s will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered."
- Matthew 10:28
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