Pondering Values

I am almost finished being a medical school mom! Craziness! We graduate in May, so this month is our last rotation of medical school. I have a couple of posts that have been sitting in drafts for a long, long time. They are some of my reflections on being a mother in medical school. At the time, I didn't post them, because they are pretty personal and pretty spirited ;-) But, maybe they will be a help to someone somewhere, so I'm going to post them now. I figure if they are ever to be posted, I should post them before I cease to even be a medical student ;-)

This post was originally drafted in the spring of last year, during my third year of medical school. Julia was just over a year old at the time.

I have had conversations with my peers recently about medicine and motherhood.

There are women who were already mothers prior to medical school, but I am the only female classmate in our class to get pregnant and have a baby during medical school so far. There have been others in the classes above and below, but none in my year.

The conversation always seems to involve the sentiment that it would be horrible to have a baby because a medical student or resident could not possibly have the time to spend with her baby that that baby deserves. 

This is going to be my loud and proud post where I make the argument that being a medical mom may be challenging, but it is a huge blessing. And the post where I muse on the worldview that probably sets me apart from a lot of my peers.

1) Being a mother rocks.

There is no joy like the joy of motherhood. I'm a happy person and had a very happy life pre-Julia. But, post-Julia? There just isn't anything else like it.

I don't think anyone but a parent can vouch for me when I say there's nothing like gazing into the eyes of your own child, of holding her in your arms, of breathing in her scent, of hearing her laughter.
Julia lights up my life. She is wide-eyed and enthusiastic about everything, and she reminds me of the simple joy of being alive. She loves to learn and reminds me of the joy of discovery. She is so much fun to play with, reminding me to not take life too seriously, to relax and enjoy the lighter side. She is hilarious, and daily gives me a good laugh. She loves to be outside, and I go out so much more now to bask in God's creation. She gives the best hugs and kisses. She sings with the sweetest voice. She returns me to the joy of my youth, to the joy that God intends for all of His children.

And the love. Oh, the love. I'm deeply in love with my husband, but becoming a parent gives you an even greater understanding of the fierceness, tenderness, and beauty of love. You know the moment you hold your child, if not long before, that you would die for love of them. 

The sacrifices are many, but they pale in the light of love. We may not get to sleep in much anymore.  We may not have much time for date nights or weekend trips. We may not be completely maximizing our potential in school (although, to be fair, is anyone??). But one look at Julia's beautiful smile... and we know we wouldn't trade her for anything.

Motherhood is a blessing. Fertility is a blessing. I know that becoming a mother is never, ever going to be something I regret. Julia, God willing, is going to be a source of joy and comfort for all of my days. One of my biggest blessings from the Lord.  

The women's lib movement may have made many more careers more accessible for women. But, it's sad if it's at the expense of something even more meaningful and beautiful than a career, however noble the career may be.

I think there are plenty of working women out there who have the right idea. They either need to or want to work outside the home. But, they recognize that women should have the freedom to be wives, mothers, and have a career.

I find it sad that so many women in medicine don't seem to have that attitude. They seem to think you can either work or have kids, but not both, at least at this stage of our careers. Even though, sadly for them, these years are some of the best possible for starting a family. Some people, especially those who are entering medicine later in life, possibly even run the risk of compromising fertility by waiting.  Rosie the Riveter seemed to have a "can do" attitude. I run into an attitude of negativity and lack of belief that anyone could or even could want to do both school/residency and parent. Where's our energy, women? Where's our belief that we can do both? Yes, it involves stretching and growth, but anything worthwhile in life does. 

And, if medicine and motherhood really were an either/or situation, I'd give up medicine. Period. I love Julia a gazillion times more than medicine. I think a lot of my classmates might choose the opposite. Craziness. But, they're not mothers yet... so they know not what they choose.

2) Life is sacred.

I've heard people recently saying that they believe that the most valuable thing you can give your child is your time.

That seems to be a very prevalent attitude among my peers, which is ironic, since even after we're done with training, most of us still will have decently long hours.

Do they really believe our children would be better off if both parents stayed home and just applied for welfare? Because if time really is the most valuable commodity, that's what logically follows.

No, I think most of them would agree that time is important, but only up to a certain point. Parents (one or both) must work to put food on the table, clothes on the back, and most of my peers are hoping to do more than the basics for their children, I'm sure.

However, I don't believe that time is the most valuable thing I can give Julia. Yes, it is one of the most valuable things I can give her. But, it is not #1.

I believe the most important thing I can give her is the gift of faith. Of raising her in a Christian home. Of teaching her of God's love for her. Of making sure she knows why we believe what we believe.

As a Catholic, I believe that my vocation as a wife centers around helping Aaron to get to heaven. I want to make sure he presses on toward the prize of salvation. My vocation as a mother means that I want to do that for my children.

There are other things that are important to me. Teaching Julia to be kind to others. To know of her dignity. To be respectful. To use the gifts God has given her to touch others and build up His kingdom.

I want Julia to have wonderful memories of me. Playing together. Reading together. Talking together. Singing together. Cuddling together.

Do all these things I want for my relationship with Julia require time spent together? Of course.

Is it possible to accomplish these, things, though, and still work? I think the answer is yes. Even if the hours are longer than I'd prefer, I think Aaron and I are still managing to raise a happy, healthy daughter who knows that she is loved and feels well cared for.

Of course, we are blessed with a beautiful arrangement for her hours while are at work. My mother watches her and gives her so much attention and love. She spends so much time with my parents, and her life is so enriched by those relationships. There's no place I'd rather her be if Aaron and I can't be with her. I realize most people aren't as fortunate as we are to have grandparents nearby who are willing to sacrifice so much to care for their granddaughter. And I don't want to understate their importance in Julia's life. Having them in town and so integrally involved has been HUGE. So, so HUGE.

But, is it still possible to find an arrangement that works for a family, whether it involves a great daycare or an awesome nanny, when extended family isn't an option? Again, I think the answer is yes. Every family is different, every situation is different, and there isn't a recipe for success in parenting. But, I think when married couples open their hearts and welcome life, they will find something that works for their family, and can always make changes if their current daytime caregiver situation isn't ideal.

I'm also always so amazed by how much our culture bows to the altar of time. Even if, someday, Julia looks back on her childhood and says, "I wish you'd spent more time with me" (and I hope she doesn't say that) does it necessarily follow that she will also say, "And I wish I'd never been born!" or "You should have waited years to have me (impossible she would even be herself at that point) until you had more time!"? No and no. I've certainly met people whose childhood's were much less ideal than their parents simply not having as much time for them as they wished, and (unless they're suffering from clinical depression) they are still grateful for life. Overall, in the end, life counts more than time. I firmly believe Julia will be grateful that we took a leap of faith and welcomed her into the world.

And you know what? Time and life are not guaranteed anyway.

It'd be nice in life if we could control everything. That would could guarantee that our children have perfect childhoods. That we are always there for them, with time, emotional support, financial support, etc. But parents aren't perfect. Try as we might, we will never be there 100% for our kids. It's hard for those of us who are perfectionists to accept this. That we might will make mistakes. That there will be times we inadvertently hurt our children. That our situation will never be perfect for bringing children into this world. Because this world is broken, imperfect.

But how awesome is it that, in the vocation of marriage, we can be co-creators with God? That we bring a new body and soul into this world? Who, God willing, will love and praise God for all eternity? Who will, God willing, bring other souls to Him and make this hurting world a more beautiful place? Who knows the plans God has in store for Julia Grace? But I know none of them would be possible if she didn't even exist.

I'm certainly not trying to say that there aren't plenty of legitimate reasons for waiting to start or grow a family, because there are! And, the beauty of the Church's teachings is that they give us guidelines and tools to use for natural family planning, but ultimately, the discernment is individual and the decision always rests with the couple through conversation with God in prayer. But, I am contending that if the reason for waiting is so the timing is "perfect" and the situation is "perfect," I think couples will wait for forever. Especially in medicine, it'd be easy to feel you have to get through school, only to want to wait to get through residency, only to find it'd be ideal to establish your career first, etc. and suddenly find you'd waited years and years more than you ever really wanted to.

3) Final thoughts

So, I guess in answer to people who have said things to me like, "I would never have a baby now! My baby wouldn't even know I was her mother because I'm so busy!" (Yes, that was really said to me).

1) My daughter knows I'm her mother. Duh.
2) My daughter loves me.
3) I love her.
4) My life is so much richer because I'm a mother. 
5) You can give children time if you're willing to sacrifice me-time.
6) Even if time isn't as available as you wish, giving your child the gift of life, faith, etc. is even more important in the end.
7) You should probably try to be a little more sensitive before you make such sweeping generalizations and offensive statements... because I will give you a piece of my mind and later analyze your comments on my blog... haha! ;-)

Praise God for the beautiful vocation of marriage and motherhood! I'm incredibly blessed!

I warned you this post was spirited! ;-) I promise I'm not trying to be judgmental about the decisions other people make. I don't know the hearts of anyone, and I definitely know that God calls different people to different things, and that our calling to be medical school parents may be a rather unique one. I was mainly responding to the negativity I was encountering a lot at that particular time, saying that I knew, first hand, that it IS possible to be open to life, even in the medical school years, and that God can really bless you through it! God's timing is perfect, even though circumstances will never be perfect on this side of eternity. May God bless all of His children with the gift of discernment in our lives, and the courage to follow His will, whatever it may be.