Reflections on Starting Residency Tomorrow

Tomorrow I begin working as a resident physician. Tomorrow, for the first time, I will have to answer to the salutation of “Doctor.” So many emotions are swirling. I’m nervous, of course, but also excited. Humbled, but also proud. I’m torn between feeling as though I’ve not adequately reflected on the significance of this next step, and, at the same time, feeling silly for perhaps making too big of a deal of this.

I’m terrified in many ways. I’ll have so much responsibility for patient care, and I feel anxious about taking care of my patients in the best way possible. As a medical student, I was able to hide behind my short white coat when I felt out of my league, always able to defer decisions, explanations that were beyond my scope of knowledge or practice to the residents and attending physicians. And, still, I have the safety net of my senior residents and attendings, but my coat is long and I will have to have the confidence to speak, to act, to make decisions, to take ownership of my patients. My patients. Wow.

But, I am excited, too. This is what I have been working toward for four years, and, indirectly for many more. I have spent thousands of hours studying, thousands of hours taking care of patients, and it’s finally time for the rubber to hit the road, to use what I’ve learned to make a bigger difference in the lives of patients, and to reach new heights in my medical education. I’m excited to join in Christ’s mission of healing, to work in the lives of children and their families, sharing His love with them through the knowledge I’ve gained and the compassion I’ve been gifted.

As cheesy as it sounds, I’m struck by the nobility of the profession. I’m proud to be a part of something so much greater than myself. I’m in awe of the way my vocation allows me to enter deeply into the lives of others, to be invited into vulnerability. In this day and age of consumer oriented medicine, when the doctor is often seen as the dispenser of goods a patient demands, the traditional doctor-patient relationship has been somewhat eroded. But, I so want to be there for my patients as a resource, a friend, a healer. I want to earn their trust and for them to feel confident in placing value in my judgment. I don’t want to become simply a cog in the wheel, a robot with a prescription pad. I want to connect with people in deep ways, to help them find healing for body, mind, and soul.  So many in medicine get burnt out or beaten down, but I don’t want to ever lose my humanity or compassion or ability to see the dignity in each patient I’m privileged to serve.

I feel so small, in many ways, so overwhelmed by my inadequacies. The white coat seems much too big, the shoes too large to fill. Do I know enough to help these children? Will I be able to navigate the system well enough? I know it’s a team effort – will I be able to befriend the nurses and techs and everyone else working at the hospital? And I have plenty of personal fears, too. Will I have the physical and mental stamina to endure the long hours of residency? Will Aaron and, especially, Julia be okay?

Despite my fears, I will walk in early tomorrow morning with a smile on my face and my chin held high. I walk in confidence, knowing that God is with me. He has seen me through so much – crazy amounts of studying, an incredible multitude of tests, days and weeks of terrible hours, challenging patients, family joys and sorrows, mental and physical exhaustion, illnesses, so many different trials and tribulations. God has been there through it all, and has continued to make of me a new creation, to use life’s circumstances to better align my heart to His. I know He won’t abandon me, that He will be with me in this new journey as a physician, and that He has a plan for this continued medical training.  I entrust myself and my family to Him, the Father of us all, and the Great Physician.

“Behold, I will treat and assuage the city's wounds; I will heal them, and reveal to them an abundance of lasting peace.” – Jeremiah 33:6

“Everyone works in the service of man. We doctors work directly on man himself… The great mystery of man is Jesus: ‘He who visits a sick person, helps me,’ Jesus said… Just as the priest can touch Jesus, so do we touch Jesus in the bodies of our patients… We have opportunities to do good that the priest doesn’t have. Our mission is not finished when medicines are no longer of use. We must bring the soul to God; our word has some authority… Catholic doctors are so necessary!” – St. Gianna Beretta Molla