Two Year Blogiversary!

April is almost over, so despite having lots of posts in the works about lots of more interesting things, I wanted to take a moment to acknowledge a milestone. It's been two years this month since I started blogging! I thought I'd celebrate with... you guessed it... a blog post! (So novel, I know.)

It's been an interesting year of blogging. I started a bad trend of waiting for forever to finally post about things that had happened, which led to a lot of back-blogging. There were months of blogging feast (like December... holy moly!) and famine (like October) but I'm so glad I stuck with it, and that you stuck with me, even through those long, boring stretches of seeing the same post at the top of my blog over... and over... and over again.

I'm a little nervous about whether I'll have time to keep up with this when residency starts, but I plan to make a concerted effort. It's really been a joy for me to have a creative outlet and space for reflection, and I think this journal will be such a treasure for me and my family to look back on someday.

I'm curious sometimes about who reads my blog, but since I'm more of a silent stalker on blogs myself, I don't mind that hardly anyone will step forward and admit to their guilty pleasure of reading about my oh-so-interesting life... haha! To those faithful commenters, though, thanks! It's always so exciting to get some feedback and to know that my stat graph isn't lying when it says that people stop by now and again.

I want to thank you all, silent or vocal, for being there, though. As I said last year (and don't feel like finding a new way to say, because, yes, I'm really that lazy efficient okay, lazy):

Posting something I've written is like sending out a message in a bottle. Writing the message can be fulfilling, but there's something extra exciting about casting it into the sea, wondering who might see it. Wondering if God might use something I've written to touch someone's heart. Or to make someone think. Or to give someone a needed smile or laugh. Or to proclaim the gospel. Or to brighten someone's day. The possibility of doing some good in this world, however small, through my writing gives me a thrill, and gives me extra motivation to keep writing.

If this bottle has washed up along your beach, thanks for taking the time to open it and discover what's inside. I truly appreciate you. Thank you for reading, for being such a beautiful part of a wonderful year! You are all in my prayers and are very much loved.

To echo my year younger self, many thanks and prayers, and much love to you all.


Kaitlin

"So whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do everything for the glory of God." 
- 1 Corinthians 10:31

My old masthead. Even the new one is going to need updating, though! Here's my original masthead.

The Joy of Calling

Here is another post that has been archived for a long, long time. I hadn't posted it because it is so raw and honest, but I want to share this now. I have people ask me from time to time what it is like to be a mother in medical school, including several younger women considering medical school. I hope any insight in this post might benefit them in some small way.

This post was written during my third year of medical school, in the midst of some rotations with very long, tiring days. 

One of the hardest things about being a med school mom is that very few people understand what it's really like and it is difficult to be completely truthful about life because no one really wants to hear about it.

I can't be completely honest with my colleagues about how hard it is, sometimes, to be a mother, because I know 1) it's hard to even understand how life-altering and, despite the joys, difficult it is to be a parent unless you are a parent yourself, and 2) in a world where contraception is the norm and even abortion is viewed by some as acceptable (so, so, so sad!), the amount of compassion people have for people who choose to be parents is pretty low. So many people wait until the "perfect" time to have children, when, in reality in medicine, that doesn't really exist, especially not during medical school or residency, at which point you're usually at least 29 if you went to med school straight from undergraduate. And if you don't wait for the "perfect time"? Well, that stinks for you, but it was your choice so don't whine to me about it. I'm using hyperbole to make a point... but this attitude really is somewhat prevalent. Don't get me wrong - there are plenty of people I know who are so supportive of me and other parents even if they don't have children themselves (and praise God for them!), but I definitely run into people who have no compassion for parents at all. I've had a classmate complain to residents that it wasn't fair that I "got a break" while I took 15 minutes a couple times a day to pump breastmilk (since that was SO fun, let me tell you). For real. I have single friends who often say things like, "Med students with families should get some priority on their rotations" (i.e. not being sent far away for their rural month) but others think that's completely unfair. That students with children shouldn't be given any priority for anything. That they chose to have children and they should suffer any consequences for their unusual choice to bring life into the world during training years. Many of my colleagues really do enjoy hearing about Julia and my enthusiasm about her, but I really don't get the feeling that any complaining about how exhausting it can be to be a mother in addition to med school would be welcome... despite the fact that whining about anything else, even stuff that is minor (early mornings, bad attendings, yucky cafeteria food, etc.) is perfectly socially acceptable to whine about.

And, on the flip side, I can't be completely honest with my non-medical school friends and family about how hard it is, sometimes, to be a medical student because 1) it's hard to even understand how life-altering and, despite the joys, difficult it is to be a medical student unless you've been one yourself, and 2) being friends with lots of Christian, especially Catholic people, who are pro-life, understand God's purpose for marriage, and love big families with lots of children, I feel it's probably hard for them to understand, if they knew how hard it was, why I don't just drop out and stay home. I don't whine much because, first of all, I try to be a positive and grateful person, but I also don't feel it would make much sense to most of my friends. "But," they might say, "If it's that difficult and stressful, why don't you just drop out and be a stay at home mom?"

That is a question that most mothers have to grapple with at some point. To work outside the home or not? In what capacity? How many hours per week? As much as I would love to work part-time, unfortunately, at this point in my training, I have zero flexibility. It's all or nothing for me. And I've chosen the "all" because it's what I feel called to do at this point. I believe God has a purpose for my schooling, and that He can use my training to bring Him glory and, hopefully, ultimately, impact lives and draw souls to Him. And, even more importantly, I feel called to be a mother. With God and Aaron to bring new life into the world, to raise my daughter to know, love, and serve God, and to know that she is loved by God and by Aaron and me. Children are a huge blessing to marriage, fertility is a gift, and, though children do require enormous sacrifice, they are so worth it.

And, after all, one thing the secular world doesn't understand is that my goal isn't easiness anyhow. So many people are looking to find the path of least resistance, the one in which they can be happiest now, while simultaneously trying to secure future happiness. As a Christian, my goal isn't immediate happiness, it is holiness. Growing in holiness almost always involves sacrifice, so the particulars God has called me to may be difficult sometimes, but they are such beautiful opportunities for grace. And, better than the fleeting happiness of more time for myself or having a pinterest worthy house or being a "perfect" medical student, I have the deep, abiding joy of a beautiful family, fulfilling work, and peace that I am following God's plan for me.

Maybe I don't have much to whine about anyway.

Pondering Values

I am almost finished being a medical school mom! Craziness! We graduate in May, so this month is our last rotation of medical school. I have a couple of posts that have been sitting in drafts for a long, long time. They are some of my reflections on being a mother in medical school. At the time, I didn't post them, because they are pretty personal and pretty spirited ;-) But, maybe they will be a help to someone somewhere, so I'm going to post them now. I figure if they are ever to be posted, I should post them before I cease to even be a medical student ;-)

This post was originally drafted in the spring of last year, during my third year of medical school. Julia was just over a year old at the time.

I have had conversations with my peers recently about medicine and motherhood.

There are women who were already mothers prior to medical school, but I am the only female classmate in our class to get pregnant and have a baby during medical school so far. There have been others in the classes above and below, but none in my year.

The conversation always seems to involve the sentiment that it would be horrible to have a baby because a medical student or resident could not possibly have the time to spend with her baby that that baby deserves. 

This is going to be my loud and proud post where I make the argument that being a medical mom may be challenging, but it is a huge blessing. And the post where I muse on the worldview that probably sets me apart from a lot of my peers.

1) Being a mother rocks.

There is no joy like the joy of motherhood. I'm a happy person and had a very happy life pre-Julia. But, post-Julia? There just isn't anything else like it.

I don't think anyone but a parent can vouch for me when I say there's nothing like gazing into the eyes of your own child, of holding her in your arms, of breathing in her scent, of hearing her laughter.
Julia lights up my life. She is wide-eyed and enthusiastic about everything, and she reminds me of the simple joy of being alive. She loves to learn and reminds me of the joy of discovery. She is so much fun to play with, reminding me to not take life too seriously, to relax and enjoy the lighter side. She is hilarious, and daily gives me a good laugh. She loves to be outside, and I go out so much more now to bask in God's creation. She gives the best hugs and kisses. She sings with the sweetest voice. She returns me to the joy of my youth, to the joy that God intends for all of His children.

And the love. Oh, the love. I'm deeply in love with my husband, but becoming a parent gives you an even greater understanding of the fierceness, tenderness, and beauty of love. You know the moment you hold your child, if not long before, that you would die for love of them. 

The sacrifices are many, but they pale in the light of love. We may not get to sleep in much anymore.  We may not have much time for date nights or weekend trips. We may not be completely maximizing our potential in school (although, to be fair, is anyone??). But one look at Julia's beautiful smile... and we know we wouldn't trade her for anything.

Motherhood is a blessing. Fertility is a blessing. I know that becoming a mother is never, ever going to be something I regret. Julia, God willing, is going to be a source of joy and comfort for all of my days. One of my biggest blessings from the Lord.  

The women's lib movement may have made many more careers more accessible for women. But, it's sad if it's at the expense of something even more meaningful and beautiful than a career, however noble the career may be.

I think there are plenty of working women out there who have the right idea. They either need to or want to work outside the home. But, they recognize that women should have the freedom to be wives, mothers, and have a career.

I find it sad that so many women in medicine don't seem to have that attitude. They seem to think you can either work or have kids, but not both, at least at this stage of our careers. Even though, sadly for them, these years are some of the best possible for starting a family. Some people, especially those who are entering medicine later in life, possibly even run the risk of compromising fertility by waiting.  Rosie the Riveter seemed to have a "can do" attitude. I run into an attitude of negativity and lack of belief that anyone could or even could want to do both school/residency and parent. Where's our energy, women? Where's our belief that we can do both? Yes, it involves stretching and growth, but anything worthwhile in life does. 

And, if medicine and motherhood really were an either/or situation, I'd give up medicine. Period. I love Julia a gazillion times more than medicine. I think a lot of my classmates might choose the opposite. Craziness. But, they're not mothers yet... so they know not what they choose.

2) Life is sacred.

I've heard people recently saying that they believe that the most valuable thing you can give your child is your time.

That seems to be a very prevalent attitude among my peers, which is ironic, since even after we're done with training, most of us still will have decently long hours.

Do they really believe our children would be better off if both parents stayed home and just applied for welfare? Because if time really is the most valuable commodity, that's what logically follows.

No, I think most of them would agree that time is important, but only up to a certain point. Parents (one or both) must work to put food on the table, clothes on the back, and most of my peers are hoping to do more than the basics for their children, I'm sure.

However, I don't believe that time is the most valuable thing I can give Julia. Yes, it is one of the most valuable things I can give her. But, it is not #1.

I believe the most important thing I can give her is the gift of faith. Of raising her in a Christian home. Of teaching her of God's love for her. Of making sure she knows why we believe what we believe.

As a Catholic, I believe that my vocation as a wife centers around helping Aaron to get to heaven. I want to make sure he presses on toward the prize of salvation. My vocation as a mother means that I want to do that for my children.

There are other things that are important to me. Teaching Julia to be kind to others. To know of her dignity. To be respectful. To use the gifts God has given her to touch others and build up His kingdom.

I want Julia to have wonderful memories of me. Playing together. Reading together. Talking together. Singing together. Cuddling together.

Do all these things I want for my relationship with Julia require time spent together? Of course.

Is it possible to accomplish these, things, though, and still work? I think the answer is yes. Even if the hours are longer than I'd prefer, I think Aaron and I are still managing to raise a happy, healthy daughter who knows that she is loved and feels well cared for.

Of course, we are blessed with a beautiful arrangement for her hours while are at work. My mother watches her and gives her so much attention and love. She spends so much time with my parents, and her life is so enriched by those relationships. There's no place I'd rather her be if Aaron and I can't be with her. I realize most people aren't as fortunate as we are to have grandparents nearby who are willing to sacrifice so much to care for their granddaughter. And I don't want to understate their importance in Julia's life. Having them in town and so integrally involved has been HUGE. So, so HUGE.

But, is it still possible to find an arrangement that works for a family, whether it involves a great daycare or an awesome nanny, when extended family isn't an option? Again, I think the answer is yes. Every family is different, every situation is different, and there isn't a recipe for success in parenting. But, I think when married couples open their hearts and welcome life, they will find something that works for their family, and can always make changes if their current daytime caregiver situation isn't ideal.

I'm also always so amazed by how much our culture bows to the altar of time. Even if, someday, Julia looks back on her childhood and says, "I wish you'd spent more time with me" (and I hope she doesn't say that) does it necessarily follow that she will also say, "And I wish I'd never been born!" or "You should have waited years to have me (impossible she would even be herself at that point) until you had more time!"? No and no. I've certainly met people whose childhood's were much less ideal than their parents simply not having as much time for them as they wished, and (unless they're suffering from clinical depression) they are still grateful for life. Overall, in the end, life counts more than time. I firmly believe Julia will be grateful that we took a leap of faith and welcomed her into the world.

And you know what? Time and life are not guaranteed anyway.

It'd be nice in life if we could control everything. That would could guarantee that our children have perfect childhoods. That we are always there for them, with time, emotional support, financial support, etc. But parents aren't perfect. Try as we might, we will never be there 100% for our kids. It's hard for those of us who are perfectionists to accept this. That we might will make mistakes. That there will be times we inadvertently hurt our children. That our situation will never be perfect for bringing children into this world. Because this world is broken, imperfect.

But how awesome is it that, in the vocation of marriage, we can be co-creators with God? That we bring a new body and soul into this world? Who, God willing, will love and praise God for all eternity? Who will, God willing, bring other souls to Him and make this hurting world a more beautiful place? Who knows the plans God has in store for Julia Grace? But I know none of them would be possible if she didn't even exist.

I'm certainly not trying to say that there aren't plenty of legitimate reasons for waiting to start or grow a family, because there are! And, the beauty of the Church's teachings is that they give us guidelines and tools to use for natural family planning, but ultimately, the discernment is individual and the decision always rests with the couple through conversation with God in prayer. But, I am contending that if the reason for waiting is so the timing is "perfect" and the situation is "perfect," I think couples will wait for forever. Especially in medicine, it'd be easy to feel you have to get through school, only to want to wait to get through residency, only to find it'd be ideal to establish your career first, etc. and suddenly find you'd waited years and years more than you ever really wanted to.

3) Final thoughts

So, I guess in answer to people who have said things to me like, "I would never have a baby now! My baby wouldn't even know I was her mother because I'm so busy!" (Yes, that was really said to me).

1) My daughter knows I'm her mother. Duh.
2) My daughter loves me.
3) I love her.
4) My life is so much richer because I'm a mother. 
5) You can give children time if you're willing to sacrifice me-time.
6) Even if time isn't as available as you wish, giving your child the gift of life, faith, etc. is even more important in the end.
7) You should probably try to be a little more sensitive before you make such sweeping generalizations and offensive statements... because I will give you a piece of my mind and later analyze your comments on my blog... haha! ;-)

Praise God for the beautiful vocation of marriage and motherhood! I'm incredibly blessed!

I warned you this post was spirited! ;-) I promise I'm not trying to be judgmental about the decisions other people make. I don't know the hearts of anyone, and I definitely know that God calls different people to different things, and that our calling to be medical school parents may be a rather unique one. I was mainly responding to the negativity I was encountering a lot at that particular time, saying that I knew, first hand, that it IS possible to be open to life, even in the medical school years, and that God can really bless you through it! God's timing is perfect, even though circumstances will never be perfect on this side of eternity. May God bless all of His children with the gift of discernment in our lives, and the courage to follow His will, whatever it may be.

February Kansas Trip

Aaron and I had gotten all of our shifts done early in the month in February, which meant that we had a week off at the end of the month! We decided to go to Kansas to visit Aaron's family. The week before we came, they'd gotten had a winter storm with a record breaking 15 inches of snow, much of which was still on the ground. We were supposed to head up on Monday, but when forecasters began predicting another blizzard was going to hit the area on Sunday night, we canceled our evening plans and hit the road Sunday afternoon to make sure we beat the weather.

Wearing Aunt Jessica's scarf :-)

The forecasters were a little off, because the weather didn't start until Monday. We were out and about Monday morning and early afternoon, stopping by Grandpa Mark's office, mailing packages, getting some lunch at Aaron's favorite Italian fast food restaurant, and buying Julia some snow boots at the mall. The snow began falling at the beginning of our outing, but it really picked up and by the time we finished and headed back to the house, the snow was coming down crazy hard.

We hunkered down in the house, and watched out the windows as the snow continued falling all day. We ventured out with the dogs for a bit, enjoying the magically large snowflakes and tossing snowballs at each other.

I love this photo! So sweet!

The next morning, the snowfall had finally ceased. The storm had added another five or six inches of snow onto the fifteen from the week before, meaning that there was nearly 2 feet of snow on the ground!

That day, we went outside to play. We were so grateful Gee Mary had bought some snow boots for Julia to keep her feet warm in the crazy deep snow! The snow was SO deep, actually, that Julia had trouble walking in it and kept falling! I worked up a sweat building a huge snowman (snowballs that huge are heavy to roll!) that Julia named Frosty (of course).

Note the fudge stripe cookie eyes and mouth :-)

Later in the week, when the roads were better, we went out to lunch, followed by a trip to the mall to enjoy the quarter rides and indoor playground.

Julia also built her own teddy bear at a store in the mall. She chose a black bear, watched as he was stuffed, put a heart inside him with a kiss and a wish (her wish was for a new bear! Done! Haha!), watched him get stitched closed, brushed any stuffing off his fur, and then picked an outfit for him. Despite being presented with lots of different options for clothing... she only had eyes for a black tuxedo! Ha! So fancy!

Stuffing the heart inside.

Giving the bear an air bath and brush.

After dressing her black bear in a tuxedo, we asked Julia what his name should be.
 
"Sally!" she said.

Umm... no. We looked through a book of names, and gave her some fancy sounding male names to go with her fancy looking, tuxedo wearing bear. The winning name was Baxter.

We didn't notice until after we left the mall that Julia couldn't quite enunciate Baxter. She made his name sound more like an illegitimate child. Whoops.

That night, we went out for sushi with Aunt Jessica, which is becoming a tradition of sorts (a delicious one).

I had a fun time this trip looking through Aaron's memory box that his mom put together for him through the years. It has little keepsakes like his baptismal candle, and lots of papers from school with drawings and essays. It was neat to get a glimpse into his early life! One of the best gems I found that I had to take a picture of:

It so warms my heart that in 1991, Aaron's dream job was becoming a dad. How many little boys would ever say that? What a sweetie! So glad his dream job has been fulfilled! Aaron is such a wonderful dad! Now, if only he'd start doing the cooking part of the job... ha! ;-)

We headed home Thursday, since Aaron had to start his next rotation on Friday.

We had a wonderful time, as always, visiting Aaron's family! It was extra special to get to enjoy so much snow with them!

February 2013

In February, I was on a pediatric clinic elective and Aaron was finishing his community hospital rotation in a rural town close to home. The clinician I was working with had started her own practice not long before, so the clinic was on the quieter side, but I had a great time getting to know her and lots of fun seeing her cute patients with her. Aaron and I both had pretty awesome hours, so we continued to bask in the glory that is fourth year medical school.

Unfortunately, Aaron did have to work some long ER shifts (11 am to 11 pm, but add in 45 minutes of drive time on either end, and it makes for a long day), one of which was scheduled on his birthday. Julia and I made him a special birthday banner and birthday breakfast, but then he had to go work all day. He got home around midnight, went to bed, then woke at 4 am, needing to run to the bathroom to vomit. The poor guy proceeded to wake, then, every half hour for a couple hours to vomit. Seems he picked up some sort of awful bug, made even more sad that it was the night of his birthday. Over the next couple days, as the stomach issues faded, the upper respiratory symptoms flared. He was really pretty sick for a while there. All birthday plans were postponed as he just rested up, drinking sports drinks and going through tons of tissues.

We ultimately celebrated a few days later on Mardi Gras with a take out steak dinner one night after Julia was in bed (she ate a good, albeit less expensive, meal earlier, lest you're worrying I send her to bed without supper ;-) ). Julia and I gave Aaron a bunch of new ties (cliche dad gift, I know... haha!) since he'll be wearing a lot of ties at work during residency. A few of the ties are even washable (!!!) which I think is great, especially in medicine since it's germy work and ties can spread nastiness from patient to patient. We also gave him a funner gift - an expansion for our Rivals of Catan card game. We had my family (minus the college girls who were pretty busy that day) over the following Sunday for dinner so they could celebrate Aaron, too. I made stromboli, tortilla chips and white queso, and ice cream cake per the birthday boy's request. I was going to make a salad, too, but Aaron decided he didn't want anything green at his party... ha!

Valentine's Day was low key but fun. I made a special breakfast for my loves - French toast (using ground flaxseed instead of egg) and berries. I actually had the day off, so Julia and I met up with friends for story time at the library. Aaron surprised me with some beautiful flowers and some gorgeous yellow gold hoop earrings. Then, Aaron, Julia, and I went out for burritos that night, since our favorite burrito place was having a buy one, get one free deal if you kissed each other at the cash register. We're never ones to pass up a free burrito... haha!

We did a lot of traveling in February - much more than usual! At the beginning of the month, we went to Quartz Mountain. The third weekend of the month, we went to Oklahoma City to celebrate the engagement of our friends, Alex and Blake, and visit our friends, Aaron, Jordan, and Michael, our godson! At the end of the month, we went to Kansas for several days to visit Aaron's family - more on that soon!

While Daddy was working one Saturday, I took Julia to the museum for family art day. This craft was a bit beyond her skill level... meaning, I pretty much made this Valentine. Julia did pick out the colors of yarn for me to use ;-)

It may look like a picnic of candy, but that's actually fruit salad... haha! And the sandwiches had a chickpea/avocado spread that was really tasty!

Julia loved her HUGE Valentine from Grandma Mary!

Dance sessions around here are pretty intense.

Julia's Valentine's Day breakfast.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Fun times walking in circles with Blaise after story time.

My Valentine's bouquet :-)

Yes, I do realize these old crocs probably look better on Julia than me, despite how ridiculous they look on Julia.

OKC Trip

One weekend in February, we traveled to Oklahoma City for the engagement party of our friends, Alex and Blake. Julia is going to be a flower girl in the wedding and I'm going to be a lector, so we were honored to get to celebrate with Alex, Blake, their families, and the rest of the wedding party. We had a fantastic time and were so glad we were able to be there! We are looking forward to the wedding in June!

Our dear college friends, Aaron and Jordan, who also live in Oklahoma City, generously hosted us at their lovely home that night. It was so wonderful to see them and their adorable son (our godson!), Michael. It was so fun to see our little ones interacting! We caught up, ate delicious desserts, and played games that night, then went to mass and brunch together the next morning before leaving town. We had such a wonderful visit with such a wonderful family!
 

We love our OKC friends and we can't wait until we see them all again!