Spiritual Warfare

A week ago last night, we suffered the miscarriage of our daughter, Francis Marie.

I want to continue to share some of the truths God has been teaching me through this experience.

Satan hits us when we are down, and he knows our greatest weaknesses. Recognizing this can help us do battle with him.

The devil is real. I don't like to talk about him because he really creeps me out and I don't like to give him more attention than he deserves.

However, too often, I think we fail to recognize him because we don't even want to believe that he exists. And he uses that against us.

There's a great passage in C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters where the demon writing to his nephew tells him to try to "keep the patient in ignorance of [his] own existence" as a tactic. If people don't believe Satan is real, it's easy to ignore him when he creeps in.

Aaron and I could really feel the effects of prayer this past week. So many were lifting us up. We felt were given exactly what we needed by our good God. Strength, courage, peace. And, above all, faith. In the goodness of our God. In the sovereignty of His plan. In His love for us and for both of our children.

However, in moments of weakness, there were times that I started to slip into worrying. Doubts began to creep in.

"But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts may be corrupted from a sincere and pure commitment to Christ." - 2 Corinthians 11:3

Because I didn't actually have much to worry about, my mind seemed to be latching onto anything I could possibly be anxious about...the very definition of unfounded fears. I worried about Francis. Did we handle her situation with enough respect? Is she really okay now? I worried about any responsibility I could have had in all this. Could I have inadvertently hurt Francis somehow? Was that deli meat sandwich I ate heated well enough? What about the regular caffeinated Coke I had a couple times? I worried about the future. What does all this mean for Julia? For the possibility of future children?

There was one night last week that I was just sitting there, reading a picture book to Julia, and all of a sudden, I felt panicked. After we got Julia to bed, I told Aaron that I needed to calm down because I was feeling really anxious. I took a hot shower, got into some warm pajamas.... and I still felt awful.

I started trying to talk it out with Aaron, then later did the same on the phone with my mom. I just kept voicing all of my concerns, most of which were completely absurd, answering my own silly questions with very logical, reasonable responses, failing to believe the obvious answers right in front of me, and then repeating. I was like a broken record, spinning in circles.

"What is wrong with me?" I cried to Aaron. "Deep down, I know that Francis is just fine, that she is in the loving arms of her Father. I know that miscarriages just happen - there is certainly no blame to be had by me or any other mother who has experienced such a loss. There was nothing I could have done to prevent this. I know that our family will be fine and that God's plan for us is perfect. And, still, why can't I shake these horrible doubts and fears? Why, despite my faith and trust through all this, am I beginning to feel a lack of faith and trust?"

And finally, it hit me. Satan knows I'm prone to worry. To anxiety. To fear. To guilt.

He could see our faith. We had tried to push Satan completely out of the picture. We had experienced loss but were praising God in the midst of tears. We were saying with Job, "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD!" and Satan hated it (Job 1:21). Satan wanted us to curse God, not praise Him. To question God, not trust Him. To revile God for our loss, not love Him all the more.

We were doing the things Satan hated most, so, of course, he had to strike back. And Satan is never a gentleman. He hits where it hurts. He punches below the belly. He knows our weaknesses, and he uses them against us.

If we're prone to anger, he'll "help" us see how we can feel angry at God. If we're prone to depression, he'll "help" us see how we can despair of God. If we're prone to anxiety, he'll "help" us find things to worry about. If we're prone to unhealthy guilt, he'll "help" us find ways to blame ourselves. If we're prone to fear, he'll "help" us find something to feel scared about.

In times that we've been given the grace to surrender all to Christ, loosening our grip on and letting go of what we'd thought belonged to us, but really always belonged to Christ, Satan sidles in, whispering his lies. He sees us, empty handed, yet whole, before Christ, and tries to give us something to hold onto. An unhealthy idea to cultivate, a wound to nurse.

And, in our fallen state, rather than running to Christ and holding onto Him, sometimes we accept what he gives us. And that is exactly what I was doing that night. Without realizing it, I had grabbed onto his poisonous "gifts" of fear, anxiety, and self-blame. And my fists tightened, and at first, I couldn't let go. I was being consumed by irrational fear and anxiety.

It was only by finally recognizing what was happening that I was able to loosen my grip on Satan's poison, and throw his lies right back at him, giving him the roundhouse kick he deserved.

I was "thinking not as God does, but as human beings do," and had to say, with Jesus, "Get behind me, Satan!" (Matthew 16:23).

I had nothing to worry about. I had nothing to fear. I had nothing to blame myself or anyone else for.

Recognizing the devil's presence through my worry helped me defeat him. Before I recognized his lies for what they were, I just kept trying to reason through my worries, but my own and others' very logical answers still left me feeling uneasy. Seeing my anxiety and fear for the lies that they are gave much such power over them.

"[The devil] was a murderer from the beginning and does not stand in truth, because there is no truth in him. When he tells a lie, he speaks in character, because he is a liar and the father of lies." - John 8:44

God is always victorious over Satan. It was amazing how quickly my anxiety was dispelled when I called upon God to defeat the devil on my shoulder. I felt so much better almost instantly, after a few hours of spinning my wheels in anxiety.

"Then the God of peace will quickly crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you." - Romans 16:20

It has been so helpful that, ever since then, whenever any of these ridiculous worries starts to creep back into my mind and heart, I can instantly recognize it for the lie that it is, and cast it out immediately with prayer, reclaiming the peace that is mine in Christ.

"So humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time. Cast all your worries upon him because he cares for you. Be sober and vigilant. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion looking for (someone) to devour. Resist him, steadfast in faith, knowing that your fellow believers throughout the world undergo the same sufferings. The God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory through Christ (Jesus) will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you after you have suffered a little. To him be dominion forever. Amen."
- 1 Peter 5:6-11


I'm sharing this story with you "so that we might not be taken advantage of by Satan, for we are not unaware of his purposes" (2 Corinthians 2:11). The devil is real, and He hates God and He wants nothing more than to rip us from Christ and His peace, especially when he sees us drawing closer to Christ in faith. He will use any tactic to try to fulfill his purposes, tempting us in the ways we are weakest. We have to but call on the Lord, though, and He will bring about the victory. Blessed be God forever!


"Finally, draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power. Put on the armor of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil. For our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens. Therefore, put on the armor of God, that you may be able to resist on the evil day and, having done everything, to hold your ground. So stand fast with your loins girded in truth, clothed with righteousness as a breastplate, and your feet shod in readiness for the gospel of peace. In all circumstances, hold faith as a shield, to quench all [the] flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
^{- Ephesians 6:10-17}

Peace be with you. And thank you again for your prayers.

"Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7