31 and 32... But Who's Counting?

Julia turned 31 months in July and 32 months in August.

But... honestly... it's not that I was really counting by this point... haha!

I think until a child turns two, you pay attention to months, but not really much after that. You notice that they're a month older, but do you bother to do the mental math to actually figure out how many months old they are? Nah. You just say you have a two-and-a-half year old and call it good.

And what a good two-and-a-half year old! Love that girl.

I had to rely on my journal to remember some of the funny things from these months! Where does the time go??

• Julia started giving these "kisses" where she would jut out her bottom lip and just press it to mine. I would always make a big deal about how "yucky" of a kiss it was, and she thought it was just hilarious. Like, couldn't stop laughing and laughing, best sound in the world, hilarious. Love it.
• Julia would put on her baby size pink polar fleece snow hat to go on (Teddy) bear hunts in the middle of summer. Adorable.
• One blessed weekend off from work, we napped together in the afternoon, and she woke me up by stroking and running her fingers through my hair. Is there a sweeter way to be woken? I think not.
• We played a lot of doctor/veterinarian this summer. One time, when we were playing together, she said her dog Curly was, "sick to gluten," and started coughing, and when asked how long she'd been sick, she said, "Twenty minutes ago." Ha! She makes such great heart and breath sounds while doctoring me. Quite a natural ;-)
• Julia picked up "A Game of Thrones" off the bookshelf when Sarah was babysitting and asked her to read it to her, saying it was her "favorite book." (Sarah, thankfully, took a quick look at page one and passed on that one! Haha!)
• Julia put on a Jasmine sticker. My dad asked her if it was Princess Jasmine, and she said, "No! It's the other Ariel!"
• One Saturday in July, we had an ill fated journey to pick berries (the berry patch was closed). We stopped at an indoor market to buy some fresh produce. When we were buying our cantaloupe, Julia, ever the friendly one, said to the high school aged girl checking us out, "Hi! What's your name?" "Alexis," she said. "I'm Julia Grace Isley [she almost always says her full name]. Nice to meet you! Can I shake your hand?" The girl, of course, obliged. Who can resist such a friendly little kid? As we were leaving, Julia waved to the girl and yelled out, "Bye! See you later, Texas!!" Cracked. Me. Up!!
• Julia had lots of funny conversations with Elizabeth over the summer. A couple highlights:
• One day, Julia said to Elizabeth, "Elizabeth, where's your man?"
• Another day:
• J: "Elizabeth who are you married to?"
• E: "I'm not married to anyone."
• J:  "I thought you were a girl." 

Julia is the spice of our life!

Julia at Months 29 and the big 3-0!

With Julia's third birthday rapidly approaching, I figured I should finally share more of her monthly photos! Thought this would be a fun tribute to the birthday girl during her birthday week!


Julia turned 29 months in May and 30 months, a.k.a. 2 1/2 years old (!), in June.

• A few fun quotes to share:
• While I was tickling Julia, she said, "Don't tickle me! That's gross!"
• Julia, while doubled over, said, "I'm trying to kiss my belly! I can't reach it - it's too far!"
• While I was in orientation in June and Aaron was still at home with Julia, Aaron had a few fun stories to text me:
• Aaron: "I was in the bathroom. Julia walked in and said, "I'm ready to run!" I guess she was putting on her running pants :) "
  
• Aaron: "Super Grover (via Julia) was helping Cookie Monster (me) bake cookies in the oven (under your purse). Then Julia kept putting all the 'Sesame Friends' in the oven and eating them herself." 
  
• Julia's drawing skills grew exponentially during these months! Her muse during this phase of her artistic career? Uncle Erik.
• Julia's picture of "Erik with rain falling into his mouth."
  
• The story behind this photo:
  
• Aaron: "Julia, who is this?"
• Julia: "Erik. He's mad."
• A: "Why is he mad?"
• J: "Because he wants his mommy, Meghan."
• A: "Where is Meghan?"
• J: "She's in Oklahoma City."

More fun to come! We love our Julia!

Remembering the Year of My Silver Jubilee*

*I don't know. I'm a nerd. I can't help myself.

My year of being 25-years-old wasn't my happiest or most stress free year. It tested me and stretched me in ways I never would have asked to be tested or stretched. But, God worked in me, and I emerge from this year, whole and with more peace, strength, and faith. God's goal is my sanctification, and, although I still have so far to go on my road to heaven, He changed me in ways for the better.

This year:

• We traveled to Philadelphia to take our PE, completing our last board exam of medical school, and visiting family and friends.
• I helped throw a baby shower for Meghan and Baby G.
• We welcomed our first niece, Mary-Claire, into the family! A couple weeks later, Aaron and I welcomed her into the family of God as her godparents.
• We celebrated the weddings of some dear friends.
• We took some fun trips to OKC, Quartz Mountains, and Kansas.
• We discerned the call to continue our medical training, and submitted final applications for residency match.
• We each matched to our first choice residency programs!
• We joyfully celebrated the gift of our second child when we began pregnant in February.
• We mourned the loss of our child, Francis Marie, to miscarriage in late April.
• We completed our final rotations in April.
• We marked a huge milestone by graduating from medical school in May (more on this and the below life events soon, hopefully!)
• We had time off in May and June to relax, heal, and get work done and affairs in order before...
• We started residency with orientation in June and work starting July 1.
• We had an interesting, complicated journey trying to find childcare for while we're at work so my parents didn't have to do it all anymore (long, complicated story that I won't share here, but not an insignificant part of my year!).
• We redecorated Julia's room
• We survived the first 1/12 of residency. Is it bad that I'm already counting off in fractions??

This year was marked by suffering. Of course, the major cross was my miscarriage. I had a couple of other situations in my life, though, that caused me a lot of grief and anguish. And, of course, we also started residency. which I've found is a process of continual death to self.

But, I've found myself drawn closer to God through these experiences in a very real way. I'm the sort of person who will not infrequently fall into a spiritual slump, getting more apathetic, maybe just going through the motions of prayer, until, after a little bit, something convicts me, and I get fired up again. It's this constant process of slowing down, then speeding up, like a teenager learning to drive and not knowing how to smoothly accelerate. I never completely quit, but sometimes I'm pretty close to idling. And, when I do realize I'm in a funk, I get all fired up about it. I realize that God needs to be number one in my life, and if I'm not progressing in my spiritual life, fighting the tide of apathy, I'm likely regressing, being pulled back stream. Aaron and I generally make a plan then of what we need to change about our prayer life to get us back on track to growing in God. A different plan for studying scripture or a new book of meditations? Too much structured prayer or too little? Best time of day in the morning or in the evening or at night? We tweak, get going again, and will do better for a while. But, this whole process of discerning how we're doing, and what we can do to grow in God, while it can be good, is also somewhat self-fabricated, self-directed. I'm not trying to discredit this process, because it's important, and something I'm sure we'll do for the rest of our earthly lives. But, the blessing of suffering is that there's nothing self-fabricated or self-directed about it in the least. It drove me into the arms of God. I was close to Him through those experiences, because I couldn't not be. I couldn't have survived without God, and I clung to Him for dear life. Living the mystery of faith. In a way, it was my most effortless year of growing in the Lord. I didn't have to work hard to devise a plan on how to best encounter Him... I just encountered Him. My encounters with Christ were often heavy, tear-laden, and raw, but oh, so real. And that is beautiful. What could be better than that, actually? Encountering the Lord and growing in holiness? What could be better? That realization really helped turn my mourning into dancing, and helped me see the purpose in my suffering.

These experiences also helped give me new eyes of faith. Believers see the world in a way non-believers can't comprehend, but I feel that my suffering fine-tuned my vision. It's easier, now, to see God's hand in everything. If I could see the way He was working in my life through the death of my unborn child, how foolish would I be to ignore the way He was working through the scribbles and laughter of my living daughter? If I could make meaning of my greatest suffering this year, I could surely find meaning in the smaller crosses? That's not to say I always do a good job, still, of embracing those more pesky crosses, but it's at least easier to see how God is drawing me to Himself in not just the big ways, but also the small ways. What a personal God we serve! So focused on each of His individual children, working in our lives in so many ways, all interlaced in such a beautiful, intricate tapestry.

It's interesting that as you grow in faith, prior experiences of God begin to seem flat. I thought I was close to Him as a child, and then, when I started reading and learning more, owning my faith, and got confirmed in high school, I looked back on my earlier faith, and it seemed so flat... that it'd mattered to me much too little. And, then, when I was in college, spending so much time at the Newman Center, attending mass, praying the hours, going to adoration, participating in and leading Bible study, I grew so much in faith. The faith deepened and widened, and I looked back on my high school faith, and it seemed so flat, so one-dimensional, as though it had been too unimportant to me, although it had been important. And now, I look back on those days, and my faith is more tested and rugged and real to me, and my college faith, while still beautiful and precious to me, has even, in some ways, seemed more flat or pale than it used to (although I certainly wish I had time for the kind of prayer life, especially frequent daily mass, that I had then! What an enormous blesssing!). And, though, with the obligations of my vocation, I spend less of my day in formal prayer, I still feel I've been learning more about how to make my life a prayer, and that God is more important to me than ever, and my lens has changed for the better, seeing all things in my life more clearly through the eyes of faith, taking on more vivid tones. I guess I'm just amazed by how much room there is to grow in our infinite God. I really hope a year from now I'll smile at the faith I demonstrated in this post, because it, too, will seem so flat, so pale, so inadequate. At all of these stages, I've been genuine and lovable to God, and my faith has always been a gift. I'm definitely not trying to dishonor where I've been, because each step is such an important part of the journey. But, it's interest how dynamic the spiritual life is, because our God is that big, and there's that much room to grow. I read about the saints and their experiences of God, and my mind is blown, because even the new dimensions I see in my own faith life still seem to be so flat compared to the completely crazy intense, colorful experiences in their spiritual lives. I think this all speaks to the fact that faith isn't a specific moment in time - it's a journey. Such an incredibly exciting/heartbreaking/terrifying/wonderful/beautiful journey.

Anyway, here's to 26! And here's to continued growth, hope, and joy in the Lord!


P.S. For a walk down birthday memory lane: ;-)  23 and 24

My Talented Sisters

All of my sisters are very talented. I want to tell you a little bit about some of the amazing gifts of my three younger sisters.

In April, my family and I went to Elizabeth's chorale concert. In addition to academic scholarship, Elizabeth also has a music scholarship for the beautiful alto voice she adds to her university's chorale. I was nervous about bringing Julia, but after she did so well at the movie theatre, I thought she'd be able to handle going to a concert.

She was able to handle it... but I wasn't! Ha! Julia kept wanting to crawl back and forth between my mom, dad, Sarah, and me. She also had several loud whispers about Elizabeth, about wanting water, and a question about the conductor which she posed during the total silence between the end of a song and the applause. All of these mildly distracting behaviors put me on edge. I was terrified she was going to start being super disruptive in the middle of this formal concert, so when halftime came, I finally breathed a sigh of relief that Julia hadn't had any major issues and we both ducked out. Julia was crushed to leave. She had loved being there so much that she cried most of the way home. And, really, she did awesome for only being two years old. I couldn't have asked for better behavior.

The first half of the concert was beautiful, though. I wish I had music to post in addition to this photo. Bravissima, Elizabeth!

Julia was so proud of her aunt up on stage!

Also in April, Julia and I were blessed to get to attend the opening of the university's annual art show. Sarah is studying graphic design, and had three(!) of her pieces from her studio art classes accepted into the show. We were so proud to see her art beautifully displayed in a gallery, and I was a lot less stressed at this event... haha! My grandparents were also in town, so it was special for them to get to see Sarah's art as well. Well done, Sarah!

Isn't that self portrait amazing? I was a little obsessed with that piece.

Sarah's portrait of a friend of hers.

Sarah's piece is the apple on the mug. My camera does not do justice to these artworks.

Random side note: My dad does not have a mustache in this photo. This phase in his life was extremely short lived.

Meghan is, of course, creative, too! Behold her magnum opus, the gorgeous Mary-Claire! ;-)

In May, after the loss of Francis Marie, Jessica blessed our family with her artistic gifts by creating a beautiful painting to memorialize our daughter. I was so incredibly touched. The quote is from a song by Watermark, Glory Baby, written by the husband and wife duo about their loss of a child to miscarriage. We hung this painting on our bedroom wall, and I love that it is there as a daily reminder and testament to the very small life that had such a huge impact on our hearts, and the hearts of all those who love us. Jessica was able to capture the depth of sorrow, pain, love, and faith we were all feeling during this time. The painting still brings tears to my eyes, in a good way, because it reminds of the goodness of Francis' life in the arms of Christ, and the promise of our reunion with her someday.

Thank you, Jessica.

April 2013

I have been sorely neglecting this blog, even though I vowed not to let it die during residency. Whoops.

I have a million things to post about, but I'll make it easy on myself and take a walk down memory lane with a photo post :-)

April 2013. It's hard now, almost, to remember much about this month besides the way it ended. But, it was a good month. For my final rotation of medical school, I was on surgery in a rural hospital and had a really sweet schedule. On the days there were no surgeries scheduled, I didn't have to come in, so I had a lot of random days off. On the days I did come in, I got to be first assist for a bunch of cool surgeries, since I was rotating with everyone who operated there - general surgery, ENT, and Orthopedic surgery - and I usually got off early. It was challenging having morning sickness in the OR, with the hot gowns and masks, blood and guts, and yucky smells. But, overall, I had fun and learned a lot. Aaron was rotating with a local ICU hospitalist, where he got to see some really interesting patients, and shared the hospitalist's sweet schedule of 7 days on, 7 days off. It was a sneak peek into what he hopes will be his schedule in the future, and we loved it.


There are so many thoughts and feelings that swirl remembering April, this last month of carrying my second child, and I'm afraid I haven't the mental or emotional fortitude to say much more right now. Although time and God have continued to work in my heart to give me peace, the loss of Francis Marie is still ever on my heart. This month, I am working in the newborn nursery, and I am filled with love for the precious little people I get to care for, brand new to God's beautiful world. Intermixed with the joy in my work is a sadness for the child I will not hold on this side of eternity. Suffice it to say, though, that I am grateful for April, for the privilege of being Francis Marie's mother, and the short time we had together on earth.

Spring is so beautiful in our area.

Julia walking backward during one of our walks.

Girls' day at the mall with Gee Terri!

My parents treated Aaron and I to tickets to a fundraiser for the local Newman Center. We had a lovely dinner out and a fun evening with my family. Many thanks to Kristin, Andy, and Ollie for giving Julia a lovely evening out, too! :-)

I was home and watched Mary-Claire for Meghan one Thursday while she worked! So nice to be on the giving end of babysitting for once in a blue moon :-)

Storytime with Aunt Meghan. I think Julia was enjoying the book more than Mary-Claire... haha!

We went to a Kids' Expo one weekend. Julia was fascinated by the insects.

Julia completed the healthy eating challenge. I guess the lady awarding certificates didn't notice that Julia spit her radish on the floor.

Julia's expression is priceless. Love it.

Fun butterfly art project!

Julia insisted on trying the Jupiter Jump. The other kids were running around like crazy, and little Julia just gently bounced up and down right by one side where she could see us.

We took Julia to the movie theater for the first time! We saw "Wreck-It Ralph" and we all enjoyed it.

Celebrating our last day of school...EVER! It was so surreal to finally be done. We decided to take another jubilant in the streets photo to celebrate.

We made it! Medical school was quite the journey, but with God's help and the love and support of our family and friends, we finally reached the end! It is so crazy, because in some ways, it doesn't feel like it has been that long since our white coat ceremony. I still can't quite believe our 20 years in school are over.

So proud of these two.

The bright spot in the sad last weekend of the month was gathering with my family to celebrate Meghan's birthday. I love these cousin photos.

Reflections on Starting Residency Tomorrow

Tomorrow I begin working as a resident physician. Tomorrow, for the first time, I will have to answer to the salutation of “Doctor.” So many emotions are swirling. I’m nervous, of course, but also excited. Humbled, but also proud. I’m torn between feeling as though I’ve not adequately reflected on the significance of this next step, and, at the same time, feeling silly for perhaps making too big of a deal of this.

I’m terrified in many ways. I’ll have so much responsibility for patient care, and I feel anxious about taking care of my patients in the best way possible. As a medical student, I was able to hide behind my short white coat when I felt out of my league, always able to defer decisions, explanations that were beyond my scope of knowledge or practice to the residents and attending physicians. And, still, I have the safety net of my senior residents and attendings, but my coat is long and I will have to have the confidence to speak, to act, to make decisions, to take ownership of my patients. My patients. Wow.

But, I am excited, too. This is what I have been working toward for four years, and, indirectly for many more. I have spent thousands of hours studying, thousands of hours taking care of patients, and it’s finally time for the rubber to hit the road, to use what I’ve learned to make a bigger difference in the lives of patients, and to reach new heights in my medical education. I’m excited to join in Christ’s mission of healing, to work in the lives of children and their families, sharing His love with them through the knowledge I’ve gained and the compassion I’ve been gifted.

As cheesy as it sounds, I’m struck by the nobility of the profession. I’m proud to be a part of something so much greater than myself. I’m in awe of the way my vocation allows me to enter deeply into the lives of others, to be invited into vulnerability. In this day and age of consumer oriented medicine, when the doctor is often seen as the dispenser of goods a patient demands, the traditional doctor-patient relationship has been somewhat eroded. But, I so want to be there for my patients as a resource, a friend, a healer. I want to earn their trust and for them to feel confident in placing value in my judgment. I don’t want to become simply a cog in the wheel, a robot with a prescription pad. I want to connect with people in deep ways, to help them find healing for body, mind, and soul.  So many in medicine get burnt out or beaten down, but I don’t want to ever lose my humanity or compassion or ability to see the dignity in each patient I’m privileged to serve.

I feel so small, in many ways, so overwhelmed by my inadequacies. The white coat seems much too big, the shoes too large to fill. Do I know enough to help these children? Will I be able to navigate the system well enough? I know it’s a team effort – will I be able to befriend the nurses and techs and everyone else working at the hospital? And I have plenty of personal fears, too. Will I have the physical and mental stamina to endure the long hours of residency? Will Aaron and, especially, Julia be okay?

Despite my fears, I will walk in early tomorrow morning with a smile on my face and my chin held high. I walk in confidence, knowing that God is with me. He has seen me through so much – crazy amounts of studying, an incredible multitude of tests, days and weeks of terrible hours, challenging patients, family joys and sorrows, mental and physical exhaustion, illnesses, so many different trials and tribulations. God has been there through it all, and has continued to make of me a new creation, to use life’s circumstances to better align my heart to His. I know He won’t abandon me, that He will be with me in this new journey as a physician, and that He has a plan for this continued medical training.  I entrust myself and my family to Him, the Father of us all, and the Great Physician.

“Behold, I will treat and assuage the city's wounds; I will heal them, and reveal to them an abundance of lasting peace.” – Jeremiah 33:6

“Everyone works in the service of man. We doctors work directly on man himself… The great mystery of man is Jesus: ‘He who visits a sick person, helps me,’ Jesus said… Just as the priest can touch Jesus, so do we touch Jesus in the bodies of our patients… We have opportunities to do good that the priest doesn’t have. Our mission is not finished when medicines are no longer of use. We must bring the soul to God; our word has some authority… Catholic doctors are so necessary!” – St. Gianna Beretta Molla

Vacation Blog Vacation

As you may or may not have noticed, I've been on a little blog vacation. I promise residency hasn't already eaten me alive... although I started orientation almost two weeks ago, my first day of work isn't until Monday, July 1st. I've just been busy vacationing, cleaning, organizing, painting, sewing, and getting tons of paperwork, training, logistics, and many other various things accomplished before intern year officially starts.

But... I have been doing some writing, so be looking for some blog posts to finally be finished up and posted soonish.

And, I have some grand plans for some big changes here as well. I've been toying with the idea of de-identifying my blog for quite a while now, and I think I'm finally just about ready to make the leap.

So, long story short... stay tuned ;-)

Julia's First Live Show

Julia was spoiled by both of her grandmothers with some beautiful clothes, fun toys, and delicious candy for Easter. Rather than putting together more Easter gifts for Julia, Aaron and I decided to take Julia to see Sesame Street Live as our present to her. So, the first Saturday in April, we drove downtown to the big event center to see the show.

Before the show started, there were some characters out singing in the lobby of the event center. Aaron put Julia on his shoulders so she could have a good view of them. Then, before the characters left to go backstage to prepare for the show, he jockeyed Julia into a good position, close to the character, and Ernie touched Julia's hand. She was so excited. We joked that she was never going to wash that hand again. She still talks about how Ernie touched her hand.

There were also some cool sets where you could get your picture taken. We went around getting photos of Julia with lots of her favorite Sesame friends. There was also a coloring station, and Julia enjoyed making some Sesame Street art.

Julia was in a daze. Oh, the wonder of it all. ;-)

We then took our seats in the auditorium. We had a great view!

Then, the show started. Julia was so entranced. She was bouncing on Aaron's lap to the music, and singing along. She did get concerned whenever a character would leave the stage, asking over and over, "Where did So-and-so go? Where did So-and-so go?"

At the intermission, we got some popcorn. My morning sickness was still dictating I eat pretty often to stave off nausea, plus, who doesn't love popcorn during a show? We all enjoyed eating it!

The second half was a lot of fun, too. Julia continued to be thrilled about seeing all the Sesame characters and really enjoyed all of the music. Aaron and I were both so delighted to see how happy Julia was, and all three of us really had a great time.

After the show, we met up with Elizabeth and Sarah for lunch, before heading home. Julia fell asleep on the way home, tuckered out from her day of great fun!