Easter 2013

We had a really great Easter this year. Lent had been so good for us this year. The sacrifices we chose to make helped us enter into the season, and, in addition to our daily Bible reading, we added on the book, The Sacred Heart for Lent: Daily Meditations by Fr. Thomas D. Williams. Each day had a scripture verse and reflection on a different aspect of the heart of Jesus, ending with a prayer to make our hearts more like His. It was SUCH a good book, and really helped us to get to know Jesus better and to draw us closer to His heart. I'd totally recommend it to anyone who is looking for some spiritual reading, wherever you are in your life of faith. The meditations are short, so it's not a big time commitment even for the busiest of people, but every meditation packs such a powerful punch. We'd read it together in the evenings, but I'd always try to meditate on that aspect of Jesus' character during my drive to work the next morning, and try to integrate that into my thoughts, prayers, and behavior throughout the day. Anyhow, check it out next Lent or tomorrow (definitely could be read anytime during the year). You'll love it.

We were excited for Holy Week, but then our poor little Julia started to get sick, sick, sick on Holy Thursday! She'd contracted some awful upper respiratory infection, spiking fevers of 103° F, going through copious amounts of tissue, and feeling tired and cranky and awful. Aaron's parents and sister were supposed to come visit on Good Friday/Holy Saturday, but canceled since Julia was feeling so bad. On Holy Thursday, Julia was scheduled to be one of the parishioners to have her feet washed at mass. We couldn't decide if we should take her or not, since she was just beginning to be feverish and had a runny nose, but she seemed to be feeling better after she had some acetaminophen so we went. She really seemed to enjoy having her feet washed, but then her fever started to return and she fell asleep in a sweaty hug on my lap for the rest of mass.

On Good Friday, we stayed home and took care of Julia, who was doing worse, and prayed the Stations of the Cross at home. There is quite a story about that, but I'll save it for another post.

Holy Saturday was yet another day spent in our cave of kleenex, thermometers, and children's fever reducer. Poor Julia! Julia also majorly lost her appetite during her illness, and, despite us trying to get her to eat and pushing fluids, she lost over a pound, which is quite a bit when you weigh less than 30 pounds to begin with!

Easter morning, though, Julia had finally turned the corner and was doing quite a bit better, praise God. We went to the 9:15 am mass, and were running a few minutes late. It was super crowded, and, though we ended up having to stay in the foyer for mass, we were lucky to find chairs, since lots of people ended up standing through mass. Of course, most of the people making church so crowded were people we'd never seen before - the biannual church goers, or Chreaster crowd (Christmas and Easter). I was really happy to see so many people, though, and am glad whenever anyone goes to church, even if it's just on major holidays - maybe God will speak to them on those few occasions they go to church, and it will be the start of a renewed faith and faithfulness.

I don't think the teenage guy sitting next to us was probably able to hear God's voice too clearly, though...since he had headphones in and was watching raunchy rap music videos on his phone during mass! I couldn't believe it! I'd heard of such things happening at mass, but it was the first time I'd seen it with my own eyes.

Easter Mass was beautiful. Our pastor went nuts with the Holy Water after we all renewed our baptismal vows. Our dear seminarian friend, Bryan, was serving masses at our parish, so it was neat getting to celebrate with him.

Easter was during the height of my morning sickness, and I felt awful after mass. I thought I was going to throw up, and I told Aaron that I desperately needed some food ASAP. So, even though I was reluctant to eat out on Easter, because I felt bad to think that the employees of a restaurant open on Easter had to work on Easter... we stopped at a restaurant on the way home to eat. I was just so sick, and I really hadn't been cooking during my morning sickness, so we didn't even really have anything at the house to eat. We got hot sandwiches and Julia's kid's meal came with soft serve, much to her delight.

I felt a lot better after eating, and we went home to put together an Egg Hunt for Julia! There was supposed to be one at church after mass, but since it had rained the night before and the ground was wet, it was postponed until the next week. Which, honestly, really worked out in our favor, because the Chreaster crowd wasn't there next week, which meant there were way less kids to participate, which meant Julia got a TON of eggs. I coached her to run to the back of the field and work her way forward, since the other little kids would start at the front and be competing for eggs. And she totally did it! The Knight of Columbus in charge of the egg hunt yelled, "On your mark, get set, go!" and all the other little kids ran straight for the eggs right at the edge of the lawn, but Julia flew to the back and started grabbing eggs like there was no tomorrow. That's my smart girl! I was so proud. Hahaha!

Anyhow, our home Easter egg hunt consisted of putting some small candies into eggs for Julia and hiding them in our front yard. And, by hiding, I basically mean we set them around the yard in plain sight. But, Julia had so much fun running around, putting them in her basket, and then eating the candy inside. It was so cute.

Isn't it amazing how big Julia has gotten? Here is a link to last Easter and the year before.

Julia and Daddy.

Three Easter ladies: Mommy, Julia, and little baby Francis Marie in my belly.

We then went over to my family's house to celebrate with them. My dad's birthday was also that day, so, instead of traditional Easter food, we had Mexican food, since it's my dad's favorite. There were a ton of people at our house, since my whole family was there, Bryan and Rebecca joined us, and Elizabeth and Sarah brought home about a dozen friends from school with them to celebrate Easter. So, it was quite a full, noisy house, but it was a lot of fun. We got to share our good news about the baby with Bryan. I ate a lot of Rebecca's delicious queso. We all enjoyed some good conversation. My sisters and I had pooled funds to buy our dad a small popcorn machine and popcorn kernels/coconut oil/popcorn buttery salt for his birthday, which he seemed excited about. Aaron, Julia, and I ended up leaving sooner than we might have normally, since Julia was still somewhat sick and needed a nap. It was a great day, though.

I will treasure this Easter always because we celebrated it with Francis Marie. She was alive and growing and we were so excited about her life as we celebrated Christ's resurrection. It was a really special time for our family. I'm so grateful to God that He gave us some joyful times during Francis Marie's time on earth that we can look back on with such fondness. And, most of all, I'm grateful for Easter, for the resurrection, for the gift of eternal life, for the promise of reunion with Francis Marie and all those we love, so we can have an never ending celebration of Christ's victory over death in heaven together. Praise God for Easter!

Motherhood

Tomorrow is Mothers' Day, and I want to say how in awe of mothers I am.

I am in awe of women who are currently in the trenches of motherhood. Who daily struggle to meet all the needs of their children. Who would do anything for love of their children. What amazing resilience they show us.

I am in awe of mothers who have lost children. I have only begun to walk this valley of tears with you, and it is so very, very hard. You have such a burden to bear. What amazing strength they show us.

I am in awe of the women who yearn to be mothers. Who are struggling with infertility, and want nothing more than to hold a child in their arms, but, despite this deep longing, are still at peace in Christ. What amazing trust they show us.

I am in awe of women who long to begin living their vocation of wife and mother. Who are still praying for the day when they will meet the man who can make their discerned marital vocation a reality. What amazing patience they show us.

I am in awe of women who may not be mothers in the eyes of the world, but are truly mothers, nonetheless. Holy single women, married women never blessed with children, religious sisters... every woman who nurtures and cares for all of the people God has placed in her life with the unconditional love of a mother. They show us the true vastness and lavishness of God's love.

All mothers, whether their children live on earth or in heaven, whether their children are biological or adopted or spiritual, can teach the world so much about God's love. Mothers are constantly taking up their crosses, laying down their lives, giving of themselves for their children. And, in this death to self, there is new life.

Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta expressed the beauty of woman as mother so well while speaking at a UN Women's Conference:

"God has created each one of us, every human being, for greater things-- to love and to be loved. But why did God make some of us men and others women? Because a woman's love is one image of the love of God, and a man's love is another image of God's love. Both are created to love, but each in a different way. Woman and man complete each other, and together show forth God's love more fully than either can do it alone.

That special power of loving that belongs to a woman is seen most clearly when she becomes a mother. Motherhood is the gift of God to women. How grateful we must be to God for this wonderful gift that brings such joy to the whole world, women and men alike!"

Happy Mothers' Day! Let us praise God together for the wonderful gift of motherhood that "brings such joy to the whole world!"

As a little Mother's Day gift to you, I want to share a sonnet I wrote, the fruit of a lot of recent prayer and reflection on the mysteries of motherhood, with its beautiful interconnectedness to the mysteries of Christ and His Blessed Mother.

I dedicate it to my own wonderful mother, who was the first to teach me of God's amazing love, and to my two precious children, Julia Grace and Francis Marie, who have each continued that lesson for me, in their own beautiful ways.

Mother’s Cross

Upon a cross of steel and sterile drape

Pierced flesh, the blood and water greatly flowed

New life sprung forth from gravid womb agape

Bruised, swollen yet joyful despite the load

Next babe so loved in hidden depths inside

Taken by God in secret way unknown

Mother to labor forth her silent child

Her voice joins with the suff’ring world to groan

True love is sacrifice of all we are

Outstretch of arms to bring the greater good

To usher in new life with painful scar

Or e’en submit our child to cross’ wood

The Father knows our joy and shares our woe

Incarnate Son hast trod this earth below

March Museum Day

We go to the monthly family art day at a local museum as often as we can. I'm the kind of person who loves to get out of the house and do something fun on the weekends, and not much can really beat free, kid friendly activities in a beautiful 1920s-villa-turned-museum.

Earlier in the year, either Aaron or I had been working on the second Saturday of the month, so the other parent took Julia alone, but in March, we were finally able to go together. All four of us :-)

I shared more earlier about this beautiful day we found out we were expecting our precious second child, but I thought I'd share some more photos from the day. After enjoying the art projects and a walk around the garden, we went to an Italian restaurant for lunch to celebrate our new baby. It was one of the happiest days of my life, and I will treasure the memories of this day always.

Julia, Months 27-28

We all need a good laugh today, don't we? Laughter is such good medicine.

"A joyful heart is the health of the body, but a depressed spirit dries up the bones." - Proverbs 17:22
 
There's nothing like a toddler to make you laugh. Here are some Julia stories from her months as a 27- and 28-month-old. We love our Julia!

• Julia's favorite color is most definitely blue. She tears through blue crayons and blue paint, loves blue clothes, food, and toys, and always chooses blue when there's a color choice for anything. She knows that Aaron's favorite color is red and that mine is blue, and she really likes talking about favorite colors. A couple months ago, she told me, "Mommy, your favorite color is purple." "No, it's not," I replied. "It's blue." "No," Julia said, "Blue is NOT your favorite color! It's MINE!" I told her we could share it, but at the time, she still didn't seem to buy it. Beware, world. Blue is officially spoken for. Go pick your own color.
• We had been bribing Julia to go potty with a couple M&M's for #1 and chocolate milk for #2, but she'd been doing a little better (for a while. sigh.) with potty training, so we hadn't been giving out M&M's unless she remembered to ask for them. There were a few times she remembered much later. We'd be playing, and she'd suddenly exclaim, "Hey! You forgot my M&M's!" and we'd give her a delayed reward. She then must have calculated that maybe if she just said, "Hey! You forgot my M&M's!" completely out of the blue she might get M&M's, even if she didn't potty successfully earlier. Wrong.
• Potty training continues to be a somewhat frustrating endeavor. We always thought it'd be so easy with an intelligent child, but maybe intelligent children are smart enough to realize they have a pretty sweet deal in diapers - you never have to take a break from playing to go to the bathroom, and an adult completely takes care of the mess you've made at a later, more convenient time. Julia will often tell us, "I need to go poopy!" after she already made her diaper dirty. Aaron recently realized how far she still has to go when he was making her take a potty break, and Julia said, incredulously, "I don't need to go potty! My diaper is not wet!"

• Julia has a Stanford Tree doll from our friend, Maria, who is getting her PhD there. She really loves it and often plays with it along with her Sesame Street dolls, as they're all around the same size. One time, she had the tree say to Ernie, "Hi, Ernie! I have no hands!" What an awkward introduction! 
• Another time, she was talking about the tree and how it has no hands. We pointed out some of the lower branches on the tree and asked her if those could be the tree's hands. Julia said, "No! Those aren't hands! The tree has 5 nipples!" 
• One Thursday morning in April, Aaron and I didn't have to work, so we watched Mary-Claire while Meghan went into the office. When Mary-Claire fell asleep in my arms after a morning bottle, I had Aaron change the sheets in Julia's crib, and I put her in the crib to finish her nap. As Aaron prepared the crib, Julia was trying to climb into the crib, saying forcefully that she wanted to take a nap and kept saying, "This is my crib!" Talk about unheard of! Julia doesn't like napping in the afternoon, let alone at 10 am. Jealously is a powerful motivator ;-)
• But Julia does love Mary-Claire a lot. When she plays with her dollhouse's little girl and baby, she always calls them Julia and Mary-Claire, and has lately been insisting that Mary-Claire is her sister, not her cousin. Recently, Aaron was having the Mary-Claire doll talk to the Julia doll, and Julia said, "No, Mary-Claire doesn't talk! She cries!"
• We were talking about food allergies one day, and I said, "Who can't eat wheat?" "Elizabeth!" Julia answered. Then she started saying over and over, "Elizabeth eats glue! Elizabeth eats glue!" I was very confused until Aaron figured it out. "Elizabeth can't eat gluten, right, Julia?" "Yes! Gluten makes her sick!" Julia said. 
• We recently went to a children's expo, and there was a table to encourage healthy eating. You had to try 5 different vegetables, including one you'd never tried before, and you would get a healthy eating certificate. Julia ate 4 veggies we knew she liked, and I gave her a turnip to try. After she got her certificate, I noticed the piece of turnip, chewed up and spat out, on the floor of the expo center, right at her feet. Certificate worthy healthy eater? Haha!

Julia just keeps growing so quickly! These days, she loves coloring with crayons or markers, "writing" with pen or pencil, playing tag, playing dollhouse, playing with her baby dolls and stuffed animals, "reading" books and being read to, "playing" board games, playing frisbee (she's actually catching it quite well!), and pretending to sleep on the floor with her stuffed animals, dolls, blankets, and pillows. She's a fun one!

Spiritual Warfare

A week ago last night, we suffered the miscarriage of our daughter, Francis Marie.

I want to continue to share some of the truths God has been teaching me through this experience.

Satan hits us when we are down, and he knows our greatest weaknesses. Recognizing this can help us do battle with him.

The devil is real. I don't like to talk about him because he really creeps me out and I don't like to give him more attention than he deserves.

However, too often, I think we fail to recognize him because we don't even want to believe that he exists. And he uses that against us.

There's a great passage in C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters where the demon writing to his nephew tells him to try to "keep the patient in ignorance of [his] own existence" as a tactic. If people don't believe Satan is real, it's easy to ignore him when he creeps in.

Aaron and I could really feel the effects of prayer this past week. So many were lifting us up. We felt were given exactly what we needed by our good God. Strength, courage, peace. And, above all, faith. In the goodness of our God. In the sovereignty of His plan. In His love for us and for both of our children.

However, in moments of weakness, there were times that I started to slip into worrying. Doubts began to creep in.

"But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts may be corrupted from a sincere and pure commitment to Christ." - 2 Corinthians 11:3

Because I didn't actually have much to worry about, my mind seemed to be latching onto anything I could possibly be anxious about...the very definition of unfounded fears. I worried about Francis. Did we handle her situation with enough respect? Is she really okay now? I worried about any responsibility I could have had in all this. Could I have inadvertently hurt Francis somehow? Was that deli meat sandwich I ate heated well enough? What about the regular caffeinated Coke I had a couple times? I worried about the future. What does all this mean for Julia? For the possibility of future children?

There was one night last week that I was just sitting there, reading a picture book to Julia, and all of a sudden, I felt panicked. After we got Julia to bed, I told Aaron that I needed to calm down because I was feeling really anxious. I took a hot shower, got into some warm pajamas.... and I still felt awful.

I started trying to talk it out with Aaron, then later did the same on the phone with my mom. I just kept voicing all of my concerns, most of which were completely absurd, answering my own silly questions with very logical, reasonable responses, failing to believe the obvious answers right in front of me, and then repeating. I was like a broken record, spinning in circles.

"What is wrong with me?" I cried to Aaron. "Deep down, I know that Francis is just fine, that she is in the loving arms of her Father. I know that miscarriages just happen - there is certainly no blame to be had by me or any other mother who has experienced such a loss. There was nothing I could have done to prevent this. I know that our family will be fine and that God's plan for us is perfect. And, still, why can't I shake these horrible doubts and fears? Why, despite my faith and trust through all this, am I beginning to feel a lack of faith and trust?"

And finally, it hit me. Satan knows I'm prone to worry. To anxiety. To fear. To guilt.

He could see our faith. We had tried to push Satan completely out of the picture. We had experienced loss but were praising God in the midst of tears. We were saying with Job, "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD!" and Satan hated it (Job 1:21). Satan wanted us to curse God, not praise Him. To question God, not trust Him. To revile God for our loss, not love Him all the more.

We were doing the things Satan hated most, so, of course, he had to strike back. And Satan is never a gentleman. He hits where it hurts. He punches below the belly. He knows our weaknesses, and he uses them against us.

If we're prone to anger, he'll "help" us see how we can feel angry at God. If we're prone to depression, he'll "help" us see how we can despair of God. If we're prone to anxiety, he'll "help" us find things to worry about. If we're prone to unhealthy guilt, he'll "help" us find ways to blame ourselves. If we're prone to fear, he'll "help" us find something to feel scared about.

In times that we've been given the grace to surrender all to Christ, loosening our grip on and letting go of what we'd thought belonged to us, but really always belonged to Christ, Satan sidles in, whispering his lies. He sees us, empty handed, yet whole, before Christ, and tries to give us something to hold onto. An unhealthy idea to cultivate, a wound to nurse.

And, in our fallen state, rather than running to Christ and holding onto Him, sometimes we accept what he gives us. And that is exactly what I was doing that night. Without realizing it, I had grabbed onto his poisonous "gifts" of fear, anxiety, and self-blame. And my fists tightened, and at first, I couldn't let go. I was being consumed by irrational fear and anxiety.

It was only by finally recognizing what was happening that I was able to loosen my grip on Satan's poison, and throw his lies right back at him, giving him the roundhouse kick he deserved.

I was "thinking not as God does, but as human beings do," and had to say, with Jesus, "Get behind me, Satan!" (Matthew 16:23).

I had nothing to worry about. I had nothing to fear. I had nothing to blame myself or anyone else for.

Recognizing the devil's presence through my worry helped me defeat him. Before I recognized his lies for what they were, I just kept trying to reason through my worries, but my own and others' very logical answers still left me feeling uneasy. Seeing my anxiety and fear for the lies that they are gave much such power over them.

"[The devil] was a murderer from the beginning and does not stand in truth, because there is no truth in him. When he tells a lie, he speaks in character, because he is a liar and the father of lies." - John 8:44

God is always victorious over Satan. It was amazing how quickly my anxiety was dispelled when I called upon God to defeat the devil on my shoulder. I felt so much better almost instantly, after a few hours of spinning my wheels in anxiety.

"Then the God of peace will quickly crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you." - Romans 16:20

It has been so helpful that, ever since then, whenever any of these ridiculous worries starts to creep back into my mind and heart, I can instantly recognize it for the lie that it is, and cast it out immediately with prayer, reclaiming the peace that is mine in Christ.

"So humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time. Cast all your worries upon him because he cares for you. Be sober and vigilant. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion looking for (someone) to devour. Resist him, steadfast in faith, knowing that your fellow believers throughout the world undergo the same sufferings. The God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory through Christ (Jesus) will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you after you have suffered a little. To him be dominion forever. Amen."
- 1 Peter 5:6-11


I'm sharing this story with you "so that we might not be taken advantage of by Satan, for we are not unaware of his purposes" (2 Corinthians 2:11). The devil is real, and He hates God and He wants nothing more than to rip us from Christ and His peace, especially when he sees us drawing closer to Christ in faith. He will use any tactic to try to fulfill his purposes, tempting us in the ways we are weakest. We have to but call on the Lord, though, and He will bring about the victory. Blessed be God forever!


"Finally, draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power. Put on the armor of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil. For our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens. Therefore, put on the armor of God, that you may be able to resist on the evil day and, having done everything, to hold your ground. So stand fast with your loins girded in truth, clothed with righteousness as a breastplate, and your feet shod in readiness for the gospel of peace. In all circumstances, hold faith as a shield, to quench all [the] flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
^{- Ephesians 6:10-17}

Peace be with you. And thank you again for your prayers.

"Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

Our Loving Father's Providence

I am still processing what happened last week.

I know that God uses time to heal wounds, and as each day passes, I cry a little bit less and feel a little bit stronger. We can't ever thank you enough for your continued prayers for us. Truly.

God has been teaching us some beautiful lessons through our daughter, Francis Marie. We've also been so blessed to hear from others that God has used Francis' story to, in some way, touch their own hearts and lives.

One of the most important lessons I've been learning, and want to share today is this:

Our good God gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it.

Experiencing a miscarriage was devastating and traumatic. But, even in the midst of my heartbreak, even through the hardest moments, I kept saying to Aaron, almost amazed, "We're okay. We're going to be okay."

And we are. So many have to live through so many more things much, much more devastating and traumatic than our first trimester loss of a child. And, yet, even through some of the worst possible experiences, by the grace of God, it is possible to live, to heal, to thrive. I've read books like Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust by Immaculée Ilibagiza, and have been completely amazed by the strength of people like Immaculée. She lived in hiding for three months in a small bathroom with seven other women during a genocide in her country. Most of her family and friends were brutally killed during the genocide. Yet, she survived the experience, forgave the men who murdered her family and friends, and has gone on to live a full life of working to promote peace, forgiveness, and love in the world. The amazing strength she and others have shown in the face of unbelievable hardship was a pure gift from God.

God gives each of His children exactly what they need, when they need it. He will never deny His children the gift of His grace. We have only to ask.


Whenever I think about the timing of God's gifts, I'm reminded of a passage from one of my favorite books, The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. This book is an autobiography of a Christian woman in the Netherlands who hid Jews in her home during the Holocaust, was caught, and survived a Nazi prison camp. In early chapters, she describes her childhood, and relates a conversation with her father about death. She asks him how she will ever be able to face death without fear:

“Father sat down on the edge of the narrow bed. 'Corrie,' he began gently, 'when you and I go to Amsterdam-when do I give you your ticket?'
I sniffed a few times, considering this. 'Why, just before we get on the train.'
'Exactly. And our wise Father in heaven knows when we're going to need things, too. Don't run out ahead of Him, Corrie. When the time comes that some of us will have to die, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need-just in time.'"

I think of this passage often, because I think the sentiment is true, no matter what situation we find ourselves facing. "Our wise Father in heaven knows when we're going to need things" and we will "look into [our hearts] and find the strength [we] need - just in time."

I told Aaron I wasn't sure I would have been able to handle the miscarriage any sooner than I did - but once I was facing it, I had the strength I needed, just in time. Praise God for what a loving Father He is to all of His children!

And that is exactly what we are - children of our Father. I'm not going to pretend to be stronger than I am, to be braver than I am, to be wiser than I am. Before God, I want to just be the little child that I am, with a mind too small to fully understand why we won't get to meet Francis Marie here on earth, and I just want my Father God to hold me in the palm of His hand, and to give me exactly what I need.

St. Thérèse of Lisieux, in her autobiography, The Story of a Soul, puts it this ways:

"To be little means recognizing one's nothingness, expecting everything from the good God, as a little child expects everything from its Father... Even amongst the poor a little child is given everything it needs so long as it is little."

We don't have to have all the answers, we don't have to have strength or peace or courage any other grace or virtue on our own. We just have to ask and trust and our good God will provide.

"The LORD supports all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. 
The eyes of all look hopefully to you; you give them their food in due season.
You open wide your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing.
You, LORD, are just in all your ways, faithful in all your works.
You, LORD, are near to all who call upon you, to all who call upon you in truth." 
- Psalm 145:14-18



*If anyone is looking for a good read, I'd highly recommend those three books to anyone: Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust by Immaculée Ilibagiza, The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom, and The Story of a Soul by St. Thérèse of Lisieux. Amazing stories by amazing women of God.

Francis Marie: The Meaning in Her Name

I want to share the story of Francis Marie's name with you.

Francis

We found out on Saturday, March 9, 2013 that we were expecting a new baby, and we were filled with such joy. We wanted to share the news with our families quickly because 1) I hate keeping exciting things to myself, 2) we knew our families would be delighted to share in our joy, and 3) we were needing to tell the people at work in charge of next year's schedule that we'd be needing some time off for maternity/paternity leave, and we wanted to tell our families before telling work.

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio was elected to the papacy on March 13 and chose the name Pope Francis, in honor of St. Francis Assisi, a 13th-century friar who embraced a life of simplicity, loved the poor, loved creation, and went forward joyfully to proclaim the gospel and help rebuild the Church. We looked for an opportunity to gather my family together to share the news, and decided Pope Francis' inauguration on Tuesday, March 19, was a perfect excuse to invite everyone to a little party. I made a pork roast in the crock pot for carnitas tacos and some guacamole and chips, Meghan made some black beans, and my mom made a delicious gluten-free chocolate cake to celebrate Pope Francis (which we could all eat even though it was Lent since it was the Solemnity of St. Joseph!).

Earlier that day, Aaron and I had shared our good news about Baby Isley with Julia. We hadn't told her before because we figured she'd prematurely spill the beans. She was really excited. We coached her to say a modified version of her little circus ditty from her birthday, "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, presenting Julia the big sister!" Sometimes, she also said the phrase substituting the end for "presenting Baby Isley!" It was super cute.

At dinner that night at my parents' house, Julia said, "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, presenting Julia the big sister!" and everyone just paused, wide eyed, not knowing if they should believe this huge announcement from a semi-reliable two-year-old. Meghan said, "Wait! What!? Is Julia really a big sister?!" Aaron and I were laughing and nodding, and everyone started getting so excited and giving all three of us hugs and congratulations. Everyone was pretty impressed that we'd managed to throw a party without them knowing our ulterior motive.

Erik showed up much later in the evening, and Julia ran up to him with her announcement. It didn't register for a second, so he just nonchalantly said, "Good job, Julia" before suddenly jumping up, surprised, questioning her veracity. He, too, was of course, very excited for all of us.

Sarah added a flourish to my mom's cake before we ate it.

Cousin Mary-Claire worn out from the evening's excitement.

Julia, the big sister, also completely tuckered out from all the excitement.

The next day, we were able to either skype or talk on the phone with all of Aaron's family to share the good news with them. Julia was awake when we talked to Aaron's parents, so she got to announce that she was a big sister to them. She later went bed, and Aaron and I shared the news with Stephen and Jessica. His whole family was so happy for us as well.

A few days before I started to miscarry Francis Marie, but likely after she'd already died unbeknownst to us, Aaron and I were talking about names. Even when I'm not pregnant, I LOVE to think about baby names. It's just so fun. Being pregnant, though, ramps my love of names up quite a bit. It's been one of my favorite ways to waste time lately - scouring baby name books or websites, reading more about saints with cool names, etc. We'd been thinking and talking much more about girl names than boy names, since we generally have a harder time coming up with girl names we love than boy names we love.

In this conversation with Aaron, I brought up the name Francis. I told him it was one of the few names I really like for a girl or a boy. Generally, we like names that are not at all ambiguous. I actually told him, crazy as this is looking back now, that I thought it was a wonderful name for a child if he or she dies before the parents knew the gender, because it works so well for a boy or a girl, and if the gender guess is wrong, the child in heaven will still be so pleased with his or her name. Aaron didn't know much about women being named Frances, and I told him a little about St. Frances Cabrini and St. Frances of Rome, both female saints.

After my miscarriage began slowly this weekend, that conversation just kept replaying itself in my head. In my heart, I began calling the baby Francis, without even knowing for sure whether he or she was okay. I was waiting to see my OB/GYN on Monday, so I still had a small hope that maybe the baby was okay, but in my heart, I think I already knew.

On Sunday night, when Aaron returned from the wedding he'd been at in Omaha this weekend, he had brought back some presents from his mom, including a big sister book for Julia and a little plush toy for the new baby. The gift she'd sent along for Aaron and me was a beautiful garden statue of St. Francis of Assisi! She'd seen it and thought of us and how we've celebrated Pope Francis, and decided to buy it to adorn our lawn. As soon as I saw the gift, I burst into tears.

Not only is it a statue of St. Francis, but he is holding birds. There is a story about St. Francis that he was traveling along a road with some of his companions, and he paused on the journey to preach to his "sisters" the birds, and none of them flew off but instead surrounded him and listened to him. Seeing St. Francis with birds in his hands reminds me of this verse:

"Are not two sparrows sold for a small coin? Yet not one of them falls to the ground without your Father’s knowledge. Even all the hairs of your head are counted. So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." - Matthew 10:29-31 

It was, and is, a wonderful reminder that if His eye is on the sparrow, how much more was He and is He caring for my precious child?

It was becoming clearer and clearer to me that our child's name would be Francis, although we didn't officially decide on the name then. We had the ultrasound on Monday and saw our beautiful child and saw, quite clearly, that there was no heartbeat. Our doctor soon confirmed this, and shortly after, we decided we were having a daughter (since Julia had been so sure she was having a "little sister") and decided to name her Francis.

Of course, we have other deep connections to St. Francis of Assisi. It's the parish and school Aaron grew up at, which was very formative in his life of faith. When I was in grade school, I accidentally broke a statue of St. Francis of Assisi at a craft fair at church. My mom had to buy it, and my dad glued it back together and gave it to me. It was the beginning of my love for the saint, for his enthusiastic love for God, the Church, people, and all of creation. I even dressed up as St. Francis one Halloween, wearing a brown robe my Grandmom sewed and a bald cap with a fake fur tonsure and beard my dad helped me make. Ha!

As Aaron and I were on the brink of dating (we started dating in Rome, later in the pilgrimage), we visited Assisi and St. Francis became an important saint in our relationship. We loved Assisi and its Saints, and often talked about if we could go back to anywhere we've visited, Assisi would be the place. We even used to joke/dream about buying a vacation home there someday. Aaron bought an icon of St. Francis while in Assisi that has always been hung in our home, and is currently right in the entry way of our house. The St. Francis icon and a Madonna of the Streets icon flank a Divine Mercy image we got in Poland.

The entryway icons.

St. Francis of Assisi icon, bought in Italy while we were on pilgrimage there.

Image of Divine Mercy from Poland pilgrimage. "Jezu Ufam Tobie" means "Jesus, I trust in You!" What a wonderful message for us during this difficult time (and at all times!).

Madonna della Strada icon Aaron also purchased while in Italy. It's a beautiful reminder to me that Francis has a mother in heaven to hold her in Our Blessed Mother.

So, in summary, we named our baby Francis because
1) First and foremost, the Holy Spirit had placed Francis on my heart as her name.
2) We had a party to celebrate her life along with a celebration for Pope Francis. It was the only big party we'd end up having, during her life on earth, to celebrate her.
3) St. Francis of Assisi has been a special saint to us throughout our lives and our relationship.
4) We received the beautiful statue of St. Francis from Aaron's mom, as all of this was unfolding.

We went back and forth for a while on whether to spell the name Francis, or the more feminine Frances, but decided, ultimately, to go with Francis, since we're not certain of the gender and it's the more gender neutral spelling, and her patron saint is St. Francis of Assisi, who spells it with an "i." We love it, and we're confident she loves it, too.

Marie

The story of the middle name is more simple. Julia's middle name is Grace, which we chose as a way to honor the gift of God's grace in our life. When she was born, though, Aaron's mom found a holy card of Our Lady of Grace in the hospital gift shop, and bought it for us. We then decided that God must have led us to her middle name, and, in His grace, was also providing another patron saint for her in our Blessed Mother, the mediatrix of all of God's graces. So, from that time on, we viewed Julia Grace as having two important patron saints and intercessors - St. Julie Billiart (my confirmation saint for whom she was named) and Our Lady of Grace.

We were so inspired that Julia ended up with a Marian name without us, in a way, even planning it or initially realizing it, and talked about how neat it would be if all of our future daughters also had a Marian name of some sort. After we decided on Francis' first name, deciding on her middle name was easy. It seemed fitting to choose Marie to honor the Blessed Mother, who is a mother to all of Jesus' beloved disciples (John 19:27) and will be a mother for Francis Marie in heaven. I like to imagine Mary holding Francis in her arms, taking the best care of her for me.

Aaron and I adopted Our Lady of Guadalupe as the patron saint of our marriage while we were on our honeymoon in Mexico. We had a powerful, prayerful experience in a cathedral there, and bought an image of Our Lady of Guadalupe at the small cathedral bookstore, that we hung in our guest bathroom, along with a crucifix from a mission trip we took to Guatemala during undergraduate. Those images accompanied Francis Marie's entrance into the world when we had a natural miscarriage at our home on the night of April 29, Feast Day of St. Catherine of Sienna, patron saint of miscarriages. After our miscarriage, the next day, our pastor prayed over Francis Marie's body in the chapel at the children's hospital. And in that chapel, there is, of course, a crucifix, and, I was amazed to see there was, of all the possible images of our Blessed Mother, an image of Our Lady of Guadalupe.

A beautiful reminder of the presence of our Lord.

Guatemalan crucifix.

Our Lady of Guadalupe icon that we found in Mexico on our honeymoon.

The chapel. Note the crucifix and the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe. Also note the tabernacle - it was so good to have Eucharistic Jesus present with us!

Although usually a female name, Marie can be a male middle name (more commonly elsewhere in the world than in the United States), but Meghan also pointed out that Pope Francis' name had been Jorge Mario, so perhaps if our child is actually a son, he will call himself Francis Mario, and share another connection to our Holy Father. Regardless, though, I really like thinking that Francis Marie has a name to proud of whether she is indeed a daughter or is, in fact, a son.

Why All This Matters

I'm sure, in her supreme happiness in heaven, these little things may not matter too much to Francis, but somehow it's been a big comfort to us. In the end, all that really matters for Francis Marie is that she is with God and that she is loved by Him. But, we love Francis Marie so much, too, and I think God has given us many graces throughout this for the benefit of our hearts. He has given us little ways to show her we love her and want to honor her and that she holds such a special place in our hearts and in our family, and that is healing for us (and I'm sure she feels very loved by us, too). Francis doesn't need any of this, since she is already enjoying paradise, but God, in His wisdom and mercy, gives Aaron and me, also His beloved children, exactly what we need, and we're so grateful for His providence and care for us. He really is such a good God, and He understands so well the suffering of us all. Our Father understands the pain of losing a child - His innocent Son died on a cross, to save us, who crucified Him, from our sin. And, even after we crucified His Son, He welcomes us back into the fold with open arms and treats us with such incredible love, compassion, and care. Truly, what an awesome God we serve!

We're grateful for the gift of Francis Marie's name, and for her patron saints, St. Francis of Assisi and Our Blessed Mother. We are confident that Francis Marie, and all the angels and saints, are praying for our family. What a beautiful gift!