Remembering the Year of My Silver Jubilee*

*I don't know. I'm a nerd. I can't help myself.

My year of being 25-years-old wasn't my happiest or most stress free year. It tested me and stretched me in ways I never would have asked to be tested or stretched. But, God worked in me, and I emerge from this year, whole and with more peace, strength, and faith. God's goal is my sanctification, and, although I still have so far to go on my road to heaven, He changed me in ways for the better.

This year:

• We traveled to Philadelphia to take our PE, completing our last board exam of medical school, and visiting family and friends.
• I helped throw a baby shower for Meghan and Baby G.
• We welcomed our first niece, Mary-Claire, into the family! A couple weeks later, Aaron and I welcomed her into the family of God as her godparents.
• We celebrated the weddings of some dear friends.
• We took some fun trips to OKC, Quartz Mountains, and Kansas.
• We discerned the call to continue our medical training, and submitted final applications for residency match.
• We each matched to our first choice residency programs!
• We joyfully celebrated the gift of our second child when we began pregnant in February.
• We mourned the loss of our child, Francis Marie, to miscarriage in late April.
• We completed our final rotations in April.
• We marked a huge milestone by graduating from medical school in May (more on this and the below life events soon, hopefully!)
• We had time off in May and June to relax, heal, and get work done and affairs in order before...
• We started residency with orientation in June and work starting July 1.
• We had an interesting, complicated journey trying to find childcare for while we're at work so my parents didn't have to do it all anymore (long, complicated story that I won't share here, but not an insignificant part of my year!).
• We redecorated Julia's room
• We survived the first 1/12 of residency. Is it bad that I'm already counting off in fractions??

This year was marked by suffering. Of course, the major cross was my miscarriage. I had a couple of other situations in my life, though, that caused me a lot of grief and anguish. And, of course, we also started residency. which I've found is a process of continual death to self.

But, I've found myself drawn closer to God through these experiences in a very real way. I'm the sort of person who will not infrequently fall into a spiritual slump, getting more apathetic, maybe just going through the motions of prayer, until, after a little bit, something convicts me, and I get fired up again. It's this constant process of slowing down, then speeding up, like a teenager learning to drive and not knowing how to smoothly accelerate. I never completely quit, but sometimes I'm pretty close to idling. And, when I do realize I'm in a funk, I get all fired up about it. I realize that God needs to be number one in my life, and if I'm not progressing in my spiritual life, fighting the tide of apathy, I'm likely regressing, being pulled back stream. Aaron and I generally make a plan then of what we need to change about our prayer life to get us back on track to growing in God. A different plan for studying scripture or a new book of meditations? Too much structured prayer or too little? Best time of day in the morning or in the evening or at night? We tweak, get going again, and will do better for a while. But, this whole process of discerning how we're doing, and what we can do to grow in God, while it can be good, is also somewhat self-fabricated, self-directed. I'm not trying to discredit this process, because it's important, and something I'm sure we'll do for the rest of our earthly lives. But, the blessing of suffering is that there's nothing self-fabricated or self-directed about it in the least. It drove me into the arms of God. I was close to Him through those experiences, because I couldn't not be. I couldn't have survived without God, and I clung to Him for dear life. Living the mystery of faith. In a way, it was my most effortless year of growing in the Lord. I didn't have to work hard to devise a plan on how to best encounter Him... I just encountered Him. My encounters with Christ were often heavy, tear-laden, and raw, but oh, so real. And that is beautiful. What could be better than that, actually? Encountering the Lord and growing in holiness? What could be better? That realization really helped turn my mourning into dancing, and helped me see the purpose in my suffering.

These experiences also helped give me new eyes of faith. Believers see the world in a way non-believers can't comprehend, but I feel that my suffering fine-tuned my vision. It's easier, now, to see God's hand in everything. If I could see the way He was working in my life through the death of my unborn child, how foolish would I be to ignore the way He was working through the scribbles and laughter of my living daughter? If I could make meaning of my greatest suffering this year, I could surely find meaning in the smaller crosses? That's not to say I always do a good job, still, of embracing those more pesky crosses, but it's at least easier to see how God is drawing me to Himself in not just the big ways, but also the small ways. What a personal God we serve! So focused on each of His individual children, working in our lives in so many ways, all interlaced in such a beautiful, intricate tapestry.

It's interesting that as you grow in faith, prior experiences of God begin to seem flat. I thought I was close to Him as a child, and then, when I started reading and learning more, owning my faith, and got confirmed in high school, I looked back on my earlier faith, and it seemed so flat... that it'd mattered to me much too little. And, then, when I was in college, spending so much time at the Newman Center, attending mass, praying the hours, going to adoration, participating in and leading Bible study, I grew so much in faith. The faith deepened and widened, and I looked back on my high school faith, and it seemed so flat, so one-dimensional, as though it had been too unimportant to me, although it had been important. And now, I look back on those days, and my faith is more tested and rugged and real to me, and my college faith, while still beautiful and precious to me, has even, in some ways, seemed more flat or pale than it used to (although I certainly wish I had time for the kind of prayer life, especially frequent daily mass, that I had then! What an enormous blesssing!). And, though, with the obligations of my vocation, I spend less of my day in formal prayer, I still feel I've been learning more about how to make my life a prayer, and that God is more important to me than ever, and my lens has changed for the better, seeing all things in my life more clearly through the eyes of faith, taking on more vivid tones. I guess I'm just amazed by how much room there is to grow in our infinite God. I really hope a year from now I'll smile at the faith I demonstrated in this post, because it, too, will seem so flat, so pale, so inadequate. At all of these stages, I've been genuine and lovable to God, and my faith has always been a gift. I'm definitely not trying to dishonor where I've been, because each step is such an important part of the journey. But, it's interest how dynamic the spiritual life is, because our God is that big, and there's that much room to grow. I read about the saints and their experiences of God, and my mind is blown, because even the new dimensions I see in my own faith life still seem to be so flat compared to the completely crazy intense, colorful experiences in their spiritual lives. I think this all speaks to the fact that faith isn't a specific moment in time - it's a journey. Such an incredibly exciting/heartbreaking/terrifying/wonderful/beautiful journey.

Anyway, here's to 26! And here's to continued growth, hope, and joy in the Lord!


P.S. For a walk down birthday memory lane: ;-)  23 and 24

Motherhood

Tomorrow is Mothers' Day, and I want to say how in awe of mothers I am.

I am in awe of women who are currently in the trenches of motherhood. Who daily struggle to meet all the needs of their children. Who would do anything for love of their children. What amazing resilience they show us.

I am in awe of mothers who have lost children. I have only begun to walk this valley of tears with you, and it is so very, very hard. You have such a burden to bear. What amazing strength they show us.

I am in awe of the women who yearn to be mothers. Who are struggling with infertility, and want nothing more than to hold a child in their arms, but, despite this deep longing, are still at peace in Christ. What amazing trust they show us.

I am in awe of women who long to begin living their vocation of wife and mother. Who are still praying for the day when they will meet the man who can make their discerned marital vocation a reality. What amazing patience they show us.

I am in awe of women who may not be mothers in the eyes of the world, but are truly mothers, nonetheless. Holy single women, married women never blessed with children, religious sisters... every woman who nurtures and cares for all of the people God has placed in her life with the unconditional love of a mother. They show us the true vastness and lavishness of God's love.

All mothers, whether their children live on earth or in heaven, whether their children are biological or adopted or spiritual, can teach the world so much about God's love. Mothers are constantly taking up their crosses, laying down their lives, giving of themselves for their children. And, in this death to self, there is new life.

Blessed Mother Teresa of Calcutta expressed the beauty of woman as mother so well while speaking at a UN Women's Conference:

"God has created each one of us, every human being, for greater things-- to love and to be loved. But why did God make some of us men and others women? Because a woman's love is one image of the love of God, and a man's love is another image of God's love. Both are created to love, but each in a different way. Woman and man complete each other, and together show forth God's love more fully than either can do it alone.

That special power of loving that belongs to a woman is seen most clearly when she becomes a mother. Motherhood is the gift of God to women. How grateful we must be to God for this wonderful gift that brings such joy to the whole world, women and men alike!"

Happy Mothers' Day! Let us praise God together for the wonderful gift of motherhood that "brings such joy to the whole world!"

As a little Mother's Day gift to you, I want to share a sonnet I wrote, the fruit of a lot of recent prayer and reflection on the mysteries of motherhood, with its beautiful interconnectedness to the mysteries of Christ and His Blessed Mother.

I dedicate it to my own wonderful mother, who was the first to teach me of God's amazing love, and to my two precious children, Julia Grace and Francis Marie, who have each continued that lesson for me, in their own beautiful ways.

Mother’s Cross

Upon a cross of steel and sterile drape

Pierced flesh, the blood and water greatly flowed

New life sprung forth from gravid womb agape

Bruised, swollen yet joyful despite the load

Next babe so loved in hidden depths inside

Taken by God in secret way unknown

Mother to labor forth her silent child

Her voice joins with the suff’ring world to groan

True love is sacrifice of all we are

Outstretch of arms to bring the greater good

To usher in new life with painful scar

Or e’en submit our child to cross’ wood

The Father knows our joy and shares our woe

Incarnate Son hast trod this earth below

Spiritual Warfare

A week ago last night, we suffered the miscarriage of our daughter, Francis Marie.

I want to continue to share some of the truths God has been teaching me through this experience.

Satan hits us when we are down, and he knows our greatest weaknesses. Recognizing this can help us do battle with him.

The devil is real. I don't like to talk about him because he really creeps me out and I don't like to give him more attention than he deserves.

However, too often, I think we fail to recognize him because we don't even want to believe that he exists. And he uses that against us.

There's a great passage in C.S. Lewis' The Screwtape Letters where the demon writing to his nephew tells him to try to "keep the patient in ignorance of [his] own existence" as a tactic. If people don't believe Satan is real, it's easy to ignore him when he creeps in.

Aaron and I could really feel the effects of prayer this past week. So many were lifting us up. We felt were given exactly what we needed by our good God. Strength, courage, peace. And, above all, faith. In the goodness of our God. In the sovereignty of His plan. In His love for us and for both of our children.

However, in moments of weakness, there were times that I started to slip into worrying. Doubts began to creep in.

"But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts may be corrupted from a sincere and pure commitment to Christ." - 2 Corinthians 11:3

Because I didn't actually have much to worry about, my mind seemed to be latching onto anything I could possibly be anxious about...the very definition of unfounded fears. I worried about Francis. Did we handle her situation with enough respect? Is she really okay now? I worried about any responsibility I could have had in all this. Could I have inadvertently hurt Francis somehow? Was that deli meat sandwich I ate heated well enough? What about the regular caffeinated Coke I had a couple times? I worried about the future. What does all this mean for Julia? For the possibility of future children?

There was one night last week that I was just sitting there, reading a picture book to Julia, and all of a sudden, I felt panicked. After we got Julia to bed, I told Aaron that I needed to calm down because I was feeling really anxious. I took a hot shower, got into some warm pajamas.... and I still felt awful.

I started trying to talk it out with Aaron, then later did the same on the phone with my mom. I just kept voicing all of my concerns, most of which were completely absurd, answering my own silly questions with very logical, reasonable responses, failing to believe the obvious answers right in front of me, and then repeating. I was like a broken record, spinning in circles.

"What is wrong with me?" I cried to Aaron. "Deep down, I know that Francis is just fine, that she is in the loving arms of her Father. I know that miscarriages just happen - there is certainly no blame to be had by me or any other mother who has experienced such a loss. There was nothing I could have done to prevent this. I know that our family will be fine and that God's plan for us is perfect. And, still, why can't I shake these horrible doubts and fears? Why, despite my faith and trust through all this, am I beginning to feel a lack of faith and trust?"

And finally, it hit me. Satan knows I'm prone to worry. To anxiety. To fear. To guilt.

He could see our faith. We had tried to push Satan completely out of the picture. We had experienced loss but were praising God in the midst of tears. We were saying with Job, "The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD!" and Satan hated it (Job 1:21). Satan wanted us to curse God, not praise Him. To question God, not trust Him. To revile God for our loss, not love Him all the more.

We were doing the things Satan hated most, so, of course, he had to strike back. And Satan is never a gentleman. He hits where it hurts. He punches below the belly. He knows our weaknesses, and he uses them against us.

If we're prone to anger, he'll "help" us see how we can feel angry at God. If we're prone to depression, he'll "help" us see how we can despair of God. If we're prone to anxiety, he'll "help" us find things to worry about. If we're prone to unhealthy guilt, he'll "help" us find ways to blame ourselves. If we're prone to fear, he'll "help" us find something to feel scared about.

In times that we've been given the grace to surrender all to Christ, loosening our grip on and letting go of what we'd thought belonged to us, but really always belonged to Christ, Satan sidles in, whispering his lies. He sees us, empty handed, yet whole, before Christ, and tries to give us something to hold onto. An unhealthy idea to cultivate, a wound to nurse.

And, in our fallen state, rather than running to Christ and holding onto Him, sometimes we accept what he gives us. And that is exactly what I was doing that night. Without realizing it, I had grabbed onto his poisonous "gifts" of fear, anxiety, and self-blame. And my fists tightened, and at first, I couldn't let go. I was being consumed by irrational fear and anxiety.

It was only by finally recognizing what was happening that I was able to loosen my grip on Satan's poison, and throw his lies right back at him, giving him the roundhouse kick he deserved.

I was "thinking not as God does, but as human beings do," and had to say, with Jesus, "Get behind me, Satan!" (Matthew 16:23).

I had nothing to worry about. I had nothing to fear. I had nothing to blame myself or anyone else for.

Recognizing the devil's presence through my worry helped me defeat him. Before I recognized his lies for what they were, I just kept trying to reason through my worries, but my own and others' very logical answers still left me feeling uneasy. Seeing my anxiety and fear for the lies that they are gave much such power over them.

"[The devil] was a murderer from the beginning and does not stand in truth, because there is no truth in him. When he tells a lie, he speaks in character, because he is a liar and the father of lies." - John 8:44

God is always victorious over Satan. It was amazing how quickly my anxiety was dispelled when I called upon God to defeat the devil on my shoulder. I felt so much better almost instantly, after a few hours of spinning my wheels in anxiety.

"Then the God of peace will quickly crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus be with you." - Romans 16:20

It has been so helpful that, ever since then, whenever any of these ridiculous worries starts to creep back into my mind and heart, I can instantly recognize it for the lie that it is, and cast it out immediately with prayer, reclaiming the peace that is mine in Christ.

"So humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time. Cast all your worries upon him because he cares for you. Be sober and vigilant. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion looking for (someone) to devour. Resist him, steadfast in faith, knowing that your fellow believers throughout the world undergo the same sufferings. The God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory through Christ (Jesus) will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you after you have suffered a little. To him be dominion forever. Amen."
- 1 Peter 5:6-11


I'm sharing this story with you "so that we might not be taken advantage of by Satan, for we are not unaware of his purposes" (2 Corinthians 2:11). The devil is real, and He hates God and He wants nothing more than to rip us from Christ and His peace, especially when he sees us drawing closer to Christ in faith. He will use any tactic to try to fulfill his purposes, tempting us in the ways we are weakest. We have to but call on the Lord, though, and He will bring about the victory. Blessed be God forever!


"Finally, draw your strength from the Lord and from his mighty power. Put on the armor of God so that you may be able to stand firm against the tactics of the devil. For our struggle is not with flesh and blood but with the principalities, with the powers, with the world rulers of this present darkness, with the evil spirits in the heavens. Therefore, put on the armor of God, that you may be able to resist on the evil day and, having done everything, to hold your ground. So stand fast with your loins girded in truth, clothed with righteousness as a breastplate, and your feet shod in readiness for the gospel of peace. In all circumstances, hold faith as a shield, to quench all [the] flaming arrows of the evil one. And take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."
^{- Ephesians 6:10-17}

Peace be with you. And thank you again for your prayers.

"Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

Our Loving Father's Providence

I am still processing what happened last week.

I know that God uses time to heal wounds, and as each day passes, I cry a little bit less and feel a little bit stronger. We can't ever thank you enough for your continued prayers for us. Truly.

God has been teaching us some beautiful lessons through our daughter, Francis Marie. We've also been so blessed to hear from others that God has used Francis' story to, in some way, touch their own hearts and lives.

One of the most important lessons I've been learning, and want to share today is this:

Our good God gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it.

Experiencing a miscarriage was devastating and traumatic. But, even in the midst of my heartbreak, even through the hardest moments, I kept saying to Aaron, almost amazed, "We're okay. We're going to be okay."

And we are. So many have to live through so many more things much, much more devastating and traumatic than our first trimester loss of a child. And, yet, even through some of the worst possible experiences, by the grace of God, it is possible to live, to heal, to thrive. I've read books like Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust by Immaculée Ilibagiza, and have been completely amazed by the strength of people like Immaculée. She lived in hiding for three months in a small bathroom with seven other women during a genocide in her country. Most of her family and friends were brutally killed during the genocide. Yet, she survived the experience, forgave the men who murdered her family and friends, and has gone on to live a full life of working to promote peace, forgiveness, and love in the world. The amazing strength she and others have shown in the face of unbelievable hardship was a pure gift from God.

God gives each of His children exactly what they need, when they need it. He will never deny His children the gift of His grace. We have only to ask.


Whenever I think about the timing of God's gifts, I'm reminded of a passage from one of my favorite books, The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom. This book is an autobiography of a Christian woman in the Netherlands who hid Jews in her home during the Holocaust, was caught, and survived a Nazi prison camp. In early chapters, she describes her childhood, and relates a conversation with her father about death. She asks him how she will ever be able to face death without fear:

“Father sat down on the edge of the narrow bed. 'Corrie,' he began gently, 'when you and I go to Amsterdam-when do I give you your ticket?'
I sniffed a few times, considering this. 'Why, just before we get on the train.'
'Exactly. And our wise Father in heaven knows when we're going to need things, too. Don't run out ahead of Him, Corrie. When the time comes that some of us will have to die, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need-just in time.'"

I think of this passage often, because I think the sentiment is true, no matter what situation we find ourselves facing. "Our wise Father in heaven knows when we're going to need things" and we will "look into [our hearts] and find the strength [we] need - just in time."

I told Aaron I wasn't sure I would have been able to handle the miscarriage any sooner than I did - but once I was facing it, I had the strength I needed, just in time. Praise God for what a loving Father He is to all of His children!

And that is exactly what we are - children of our Father. I'm not going to pretend to be stronger than I am, to be braver than I am, to be wiser than I am. Before God, I want to just be the little child that I am, with a mind too small to fully understand why we won't get to meet Francis Marie here on earth, and I just want my Father God to hold me in the palm of His hand, and to give me exactly what I need.

St. Thérèse of Lisieux, in her autobiography, The Story of a Soul, puts it this ways:

"To be little means recognizing one's nothingness, expecting everything from the good God, as a little child expects everything from its Father... Even amongst the poor a little child is given everything it needs so long as it is little."

We don't have to have all the answers, we don't have to have strength or peace or courage any other grace or virtue on our own. We just have to ask and trust and our good God will provide.

"The LORD supports all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. 
The eyes of all look hopefully to you; you give them their food in due season.
You open wide your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing.
You, LORD, are just in all your ways, faithful in all your works.
You, LORD, are near to all who call upon you, to all who call upon you in truth." 
- Psalm 145:14-18



*If anyone is looking for a good read, I'd highly recommend those three books to anyone: Left to Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust by Immaculée Ilibagiza, The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom, and The Story of a Soul by St. Thérèse of Lisieux. Amazing stories by amazing women of God.

Francis Marie: The Meaning in Her Name

I want to share the story of Francis Marie's name with you.

Francis

We found out on Saturday, March 9, 2013 that we were expecting a new baby, and we were filled with such joy. We wanted to share the news with our families quickly because 1) I hate keeping exciting things to myself, 2) we knew our families would be delighted to share in our joy, and 3) we were needing to tell the people at work in charge of next year's schedule that we'd be needing some time off for maternity/paternity leave, and we wanted to tell our families before telling work.

Cardinal Jorge Mario Bergoglio was elected to the papacy on March 13 and chose the name Pope Francis, in honor of St. Francis Assisi, a 13th-century friar who embraced a life of simplicity, loved the poor, loved creation, and went forward joyfully to proclaim the gospel and help rebuild the Church. We looked for an opportunity to gather my family together to share the news, and decided Pope Francis' inauguration on Tuesday, March 19, was a perfect excuse to invite everyone to a little party. I made a pork roast in the crock pot for carnitas tacos and some guacamole and chips, Meghan made some black beans, and my mom made a delicious gluten-free chocolate cake to celebrate Pope Francis (which we could all eat even though it was Lent since it was the Solemnity of St. Joseph!).

Earlier that day, Aaron and I had shared our good news about Baby Isley with Julia. We hadn't told her before because we figured she'd prematurely spill the beans. She was really excited. We coached her to say a modified version of her little circus ditty from her birthday, "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, presenting Julia the big sister!" Sometimes, she also said the phrase substituting the end for "presenting Baby Isley!" It was super cute.

At dinner that night at my parents' house, Julia said, "Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, presenting Julia the big sister!" and everyone just paused, wide eyed, not knowing if they should believe this huge announcement from a semi-reliable two-year-old. Meghan said, "Wait! What!? Is Julia really a big sister?!" Aaron and I were laughing and nodding, and everyone started getting so excited and giving all three of us hugs and congratulations. Everyone was pretty impressed that we'd managed to throw a party without them knowing our ulterior motive.

Erik showed up much later in the evening, and Julia ran up to him with her announcement. It didn't register for a second, so he just nonchalantly said, "Good job, Julia" before suddenly jumping up, surprised, questioning her veracity. He, too, was of course, very excited for all of us.

Sarah added a flourish to my mom's cake before we ate it.

Cousin Mary-Claire worn out from the evening's excitement.

Julia, the big sister, also completely tuckered out from all the excitement.

The next day, we were able to either skype or talk on the phone with all of Aaron's family to share the good news with them. Julia was awake when we talked to Aaron's parents, so she got to announce that she was a big sister to them. She later went bed, and Aaron and I shared the news with Stephen and Jessica. His whole family was so happy for us as well.

A few days before I started to miscarry Francis Marie, but likely after she'd already died unbeknownst to us, Aaron and I were talking about names. Even when I'm not pregnant, I LOVE to think about baby names. It's just so fun. Being pregnant, though, ramps my love of names up quite a bit. It's been one of my favorite ways to waste time lately - scouring baby name books or websites, reading more about saints with cool names, etc. We'd been thinking and talking much more about girl names than boy names, since we generally have a harder time coming up with girl names we love than boy names we love.

In this conversation with Aaron, I brought up the name Francis. I told him it was one of the few names I really like for a girl or a boy. Generally, we like names that are not at all ambiguous. I actually told him, crazy as this is looking back now, that I thought it was a wonderful name for a child if he or she dies before the parents knew the gender, because it works so well for a boy or a girl, and if the gender guess is wrong, the child in heaven will still be so pleased with his or her name. Aaron didn't know much about women being named Frances, and I told him a little about St. Frances Cabrini and St. Frances of Rome, both female saints.

After my miscarriage began slowly this weekend, that conversation just kept replaying itself in my head. In my heart, I began calling the baby Francis, without even knowing for sure whether he or she was okay. I was waiting to see my OB/GYN on Monday, so I still had a small hope that maybe the baby was okay, but in my heart, I think I already knew.

On Sunday night, when Aaron returned from the wedding he'd been at in Omaha this weekend, he had brought back some presents from his mom, including a big sister book for Julia and a little plush toy for the new baby. The gift she'd sent along for Aaron and me was a beautiful garden statue of St. Francis of Assisi! She'd seen it and thought of us and how we've celebrated Pope Francis, and decided to buy it to adorn our lawn. As soon as I saw the gift, I burst into tears.

Not only is it a statue of St. Francis, but he is holding birds. There is a story about St. Francis that he was traveling along a road with some of his companions, and he paused on the journey to preach to his "sisters" the birds, and none of them flew off but instead surrounded him and listened to him. Seeing St. Francis with birds in his hands reminds me of this verse:

"Are not two sparrows sold for a small coin? Yet not one of them falls to the ground without your Father’s knowledge. Even all the hairs of your head are counted. So do not be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows." - Matthew 10:29-31 

It was, and is, a wonderful reminder that if His eye is on the sparrow, how much more was He and is He caring for my precious child?

It was becoming clearer and clearer to me that our child's name would be Francis, although we didn't officially decide on the name then. We had the ultrasound on Monday and saw our beautiful child and saw, quite clearly, that there was no heartbeat. Our doctor soon confirmed this, and shortly after, we decided we were having a daughter (since Julia had been so sure she was having a "little sister") and decided to name her Francis.

Of course, we have other deep connections to St. Francis of Assisi. It's the parish and school Aaron grew up at, which was very formative in his life of faith. When I was in grade school, I accidentally broke a statue of St. Francis of Assisi at a craft fair at church. My mom had to buy it, and my dad glued it back together and gave it to me. It was the beginning of my love for the saint, for his enthusiastic love for God, the Church, people, and all of creation. I even dressed up as St. Francis one Halloween, wearing a brown robe my Grandmom sewed and a bald cap with a fake fur tonsure and beard my dad helped me make. Ha!

As Aaron and I were on the brink of dating (we started dating in Rome, later in the pilgrimage), we visited Assisi and St. Francis became an important saint in our relationship. We loved Assisi and its Saints, and often talked about if we could go back to anywhere we've visited, Assisi would be the place. We even used to joke/dream about buying a vacation home there someday. Aaron bought an icon of St. Francis while in Assisi that has always been hung in our home, and is currently right in the entry way of our house. The St. Francis icon and a Madonna of the Streets icon flank a Divine Mercy image we got in Poland.

The entryway icons.

St. Francis of Assisi icon, bought in Italy while we were on pilgrimage there.

Image of Divine Mercy from Poland pilgrimage. "Jezu Ufam Tobie" means "Jesus, I trust in You!" What a wonderful message for us during this difficult time (and at all times!).

Madonna della Strada icon Aaron also purchased while in Italy. It's a beautiful reminder to me that Francis has a mother in heaven to hold her in Our Blessed Mother.

So, in summary, we named our baby Francis because
1) First and foremost, the Holy Spirit had placed Francis on my heart as her name.
2) We had a party to celebrate her life along with a celebration for Pope Francis. It was the only big party we'd end up having, during her life on earth, to celebrate her.
3) St. Francis of Assisi has been a special saint to us throughout our lives and our relationship.
4) We received the beautiful statue of St. Francis from Aaron's mom, as all of this was unfolding.

We went back and forth for a while on whether to spell the name Francis, or the more feminine Frances, but decided, ultimately, to go with Francis, since we're not certain of the gender and it's the more gender neutral spelling, and her patron saint is St. Francis of Assisi, who spells it with an "i." We love it, and we're confident she loves it, too.

Marie

The story of the middle name is more simple. Julia's middle name is Grace, which we chose as a way to honor the gift of God's grace in our life. When she was born, though, Aaron's mom found a holy card of Our Lady of Grace in the hospital gift shop, and bought it for us. We then decided that God must have led us to her middle name, and, in His grace, was also providing another patron saint for her in our Blessed Mother, the mediatrix of all of God's graces. So, from that time on, we viewed Julia Grace as having two important patron saints and intercessors - St. Julie Billiart (my confirmation saint for whom she was named) and Our Lady of Grace.

We were so inspired that Julia ended up with a Marian name without us, in a way, even planning it or initially realizing it, and talked about how neat it would be if all of our future daughters also had a Marian name of some sort. After we decided on Francis' first name, deciding on her middle name was easy. It seemed fitting to choose Marie to honor the Blessed Mother, who is a mother to all of Jesus' beloved disciples (John 19:27) and will be a mother for Francis Marie in heaven. I like to imagine Mary holding Francis in her arms, taking the best care of her for me.

Aaron and I adopted Our Lady of Guadalupe as the patron saint of our marriage while we were on our honeymoon in Mexico. We had a powerful, prayerful experience in a cathedral there, and bought an image of Our Lady of Guadalupe at the small cathedral bookstore, that we hung in our guest bathroom, along with a crucifix from a mission trip we took to Guatemala during undergraduate. Those images accompanied Francis Marie's entrance into the world when we had a natural miscarriage at our home on the night of April 29, Feast Day of St. Catherine of Sienna, patron saint of miscarriages. After our miscarriage, the next day, our pastor prayed over Francis Marie's body in the chapel at the children's hospital. And in that chapel, there is, of course, a crucifix, and, I was amazed to see there was, of all the possible images of our Blessed Mother, an image of Our Lady of Guadalupe.

A beautiful reminder of the presence of our Lord.

Guatemalan crucifix.

Our Lady of Guadalupe icon that we found in Mexico on our honeymoon.

The chapel. Note the crucifix and the image of Our Lady of Guadalupe. Also note the tabernacle - it was so good to have Eucharistic Jesus present with us!

Although usually a female name, Marie can be a male middle name (more commonly elsewhere in the world than in the United States), but Meghan also pointed out that Pope Francis' name had been Jorge Mario, so perhaps if our child is actually a son, he will call himself Francis Mario, and share another connection to our Holy Father. Regardless, though, I really like thinking that Francis Marie has a name to proud of whether she is indeed a daughter or is, in fact, a son.

Why All This Matters

I'm sure, in her supreme happiness in heaven, these little things may not matter too much to Francis, but somehow it's been a big comfort to us. In the end, all that really matters for Francis Marie is that she is with God and that she is loved by Him. But, we love Francis Marie so much, too, and I think God has given us many graces throughout this for the benefit of our hearts. He has given us little ways to show her we love her and want to honor her and that she holds such a special place in our hearts and in our family, and that is healing for us (and I'm sure she feels very loved by us, too). Francis doesn't need any of this, since she is already enjoying paradise, but God, in His wisdom and mercy, gives Aaron and me, also His beloved children, exactly what we need, and we're so grateful for His providence and care for us. He really is such a good God, and He understands so well the suffering of us all. Our Father understands the pain of losing a child - His innocent Son died on a cross, to save us, who crucified Him, from our sin. And, even after we crucified His Son, He welcomes us back into the fold with open arms and treats us with such incredible love, compassion, and care. Truly, what an awesome God we serve!

We're grateful for the gift of Francis Marie's name, and for her patron saints, St. Francis of Assisi and Our Blessed Mother. We are confident that Francis Marie, and all the angels and saints, are praying for our family. What a beautiful gift!

Reflections on the Beginning of a Life that Counts

I want to tell you more about my beloved baby, Francis Marie. I loved, still love, and always will love Francis Marie so very deeply. Though her life here on earth was very short, her life is precious and her story deserves to be told.

I guess I should start at the beginning.

I wrote a journal entry late in the day that we found out we were expecting a second child. I never intended for it to be shared, but I also never imagined how little time with Francis I'd have, and how precious these reflections would end up being to me.

Praise God for the Spirit driving me to preserve this beautiful time of joy, hope, and gratitude!

Below is an excerpt from my reflection that day. 

March 9, 2013

Today, we found out we are expecting our second child....

(I go on in the journal entry to tell some personal stories of how we'd been hoping to have another child, and how pleasantly surprised we were to finally be blessed with another baby! After Aaron and I found out the good news early that Saturday morning...)

...we shared some moments of pure happiness. We got back in our warm bed with our sweet, bedheaded Julia and we prayed prayers of thanksgiving to God, the author of life who entrusted us with this new child.

I was so overwhelmed by the magnitude of it all. We’d been praying that God would bless us with another child if it is His will, and… boom… all of a sudden… eternal soul. I pray, pray, pray that nothing ill befall him or her and that I carry him or her to term, but it just boggled my mind this morning, that, no matter how long he or she survives, he or she exists. A new person, who will exist for all of eternity. We have two children now, equally beloved by God. This child is so, so tiny right now, but is no less a person that you or me or anyone I know. Unique DNA, unique body, unique soul. Amazing.

I was also overwhelmed that this child is going to change our lives the way Julia has. When I look back at how different our lives are now with Julia vs. pre-Julia, it’s astonishing. She was such a game changer, and I know she’s going to change so many lives throughout the course of her life, simply by being who she is. And this baby will, too. A new person to alter the course of history. Amazing. I’m just so amazed that life can just be moving along, with minute daily changes, and then, boom… something huge happens and everything changes, in a way. So monumental.

I’d say my overwhelming emotion today was happiness. When we found out we were pregnant with Julia, I was happy, but so, so scared. I know having a baby during intern year is going to be Hard with a capital H, but Julia taught me that openness to God’s will and to life never goes unrewarded. Yes, it can be a huge challenge, but God is with us every step of the way, and gives us all the grace we need to handle any situation. The timing of Julia was challenging, but perfect, and I know this is, too. God will take care of our family, and family is so much more important than career, anyhow. He will guide our steps to make sure our children are always well taken care of and know how truly loved they are.

"Seek first the kingdom of heaven and all these things will be added unto you." - Matthew 6:33

"When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the LORD, and I will change your lot." -Jeremiah 29:13-14a

And, I was so worried and scared with Julia… and look how it’s turned out? Perfectly. We love her SO much. She makes our life so much richer and more beautiful. We can’t imagine life without her. My fears about all those thing I worried about back then are dead… because it’s all worked out just fine. So, I have more trust and confidence this time around, seeing the way God has worked out the good for “those who love Him, who are called according to His purpose” (Romans 8:28).

You sometimes hear people say they love their first child so much that they fear they can’t love another as much… and they do. I’ve never had such fears, but I noticed that my love for Julia actually enhances my ability to love my new baby. The new baby is more real to me in this early stage than Julia was, just because I now have so much of a better concept of what it means for a baby to grow and grow, come out, and be. And I know the powerful, transforming love of motherhood. So, because of my deep love for Julia, I’m capable of even more love. And that’s beautiful to me.

I’m also just so excited for my family. Aaron is the best dad. Really and truly. The best. So gentle, so patient, so kind, so fun. I tear up just writing about it. He’s such a natural, and Julia just adores him. I’m so happy that I get to bring a new son or daughter into the world for Aaron, for him to love and form. And I’m so excited for Julia. She’s going to be the best big sister. She has her daddy’s sweet nature, his patience, kindness, and gentleness, and she is going to have such fun with a little brother or sister. I kept almost tearing up looking at Julia today, thinking that she is my big girl now, but that she will always, of course, still be my baby. That she has no idea how much her world will change, but that, despite some adjustments for her, it will be so much for the better.

My heart is bursting tonight.

Oh, thank you, Jesus. May we strive to be worthy recipients of so great a gift.

I love my family of four. And I love you, Jesus.

Our family of four on the joyful day we found out we were expecting a second child.

Francis Marie

There are so many posts from the last couple months that I hadn't written because the story was so interwoven with another that I hadn't yet told. Namely, the story of our second child. It was hard to talk about our March trip to family museum day without mentioning it was the morning we found out we were expecting a baby and were so ecstatic. It was hard to talk about my months of rural hospital without talking about how incredibly challenging it was to get out of bed so early in the morning, drive almost an hour, see patients or assist at surgeries, and drive home again while feeling so, so nauseated and tired from morning sickness. It was hard to talk about anything, really, from the last couple months without revealing our precious little secret, the new life inside me that had already changed our family and filled us with so much joy.

I was so excited to blog about this new little person. To reveal how thrilled we were to be parents again. To talk about how adorable Julia was, already, as a big sister, talking fondly about Baby Isley, her "little sister," and giving my belly sweet kisses. To reflect on our confidence that God was going to provide for our family, as challenging as it was going to be to have a new baby during our intern year of residency.

In past weeks, we'd shared the good news with precious few, but yesterday and today, we've shared much different, sadder news with a few more. And now, I want to share that news with you. It's not the news we wanted to share, but not our will, but God's be done. Blessed be God.


Dearest family and friends,

It is with great sadness that I write to let you know that Aaron and I have suffered the loss of a child via miscarriage. We were 11.5 weeks along. Although it was too soon to know the sex of the baby, all along, Julia kept referring to the baby as her sister, so we have decided to name her Francis Marie.

We were filled with such immense joy for the weeks that we were anticipating Francis' life ahead. We were due in November, and were so very excited to have another child to love and raise in faith and to be blessed with a sibling for Julia. We are grieving deeply that we will not know Francis on this earth.

"You formed my inmost being; you knit me in my mother’s womb. I praise you, because I am wonderfully made; wonderful are your works! My very self you know. My bones are not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, fashioned in the depths of the earth." - Psalm 139:13-15

We are so grateful to God, though, for the gift of our beloved child, Francis Marie. We know that, hard as this may be, that this was God's perfect plan for Francis - Aaron and I were blessed to participate in her creation by God, and then, after experiencing the love of her earthly family in the secret of her mother's womb for a few precious weeks, she was meant to go straight to the arms of her heavenly Father and our Blessed Mother. "Jesus, however, called the children to himself and said, 'Let the children come to me and do not prevent them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these'" (Luke 18:16).

We have such hope and confidence that we will join her one day in heaven and spend eternity with her, praising God all together. We are grateful to have a little saint in heaven, watching over and praying for our family.

"I consider that the sufferings of this present time are as nothing compared with the glory to be revealed for us." - Romans 8:28

Although we grieve, we praise. Blessed be God forever!

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD!" - Job 1:21b

If the miscarriage is not completed soon, I will likely be having a D&C later this week. Our pastor will be on hand to give Francis Marie a blessing after she is delivered. St. Francis Hospital has a beautiful way to respect Francis and other miscarried children, by cremating their remains together, and burying them together, periodically, in a special plot. When she is buried, we will have the opportunity to be there, and participate in a prayer service. I think this is a beautiful way that the Church, through its Catholic hospitals and some of the wonderful priests and religious who minister there, are able to give a witness to the dignity of human life from the moment of conception.

We would so appreciate your prayers for our family during this time. We love you all and appreciate your presence in our lives.

Love in Christ,

Kate, Aaron, Julia, and (in spirit) Baby Francis



Miscarriage Prayer by Mother M. Angelica

My Lord, the baby is dead!

 Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

 “Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.

 You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

 I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.                                                                                          

As we ask you for your prayers, we also ask some of our dear friends in heaven to pray for us, too...
Francis Marie, pray for us!
Our Lady of Fatima, pray for us!
Our Lady of Guadalupe, pray for us!
Our Lady of Grace, pray for us!
St. Augustine, pray for us!
St. Catherine, pray for us!
St. Gregory, pray for us!
St. Gerard, pray for us!
St. Julie Billiart, pray for us!
St. Francis of Assisi, pray for us!
St. Maximilian Kolbe, pray for us!
St. Gianna, pray for us!
Immaculate Heart of Mary, pray for us!
Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us!
All the saints and angels, pray for us!