Reflections on Starting Residency Tomorrow

Tomorrow I begin working as a resident physician. Tomorrow, for the first time, I will have to answer to the salutation of “Doctor.” So many emotions are swirling. I’m nervous, of course, but also excited. Humbled, but also proud. I’m torn between feeling as though I’ve not adequately reflected on the significance of this next step, and, at the same time, feeling silly for perhaps making too big of a deal of this.

I’m terrified in many ways. I’ll have so much responsibility for patient care, and I feel anxious about taking care of my patients in the best way possible. As a medical student, I was able to hide behind my short white coat when I felt out of my league, always able to defer decisions, explanations that were beyond my scope of knowledge or practice to the residents and attending physicians. And, still, I have the safety net of my senior residents and attendings, but my coat is long and I will have to have the confidence to speak, to act, to make decisions, to take ownership of my patients. My patients. Wow.

But, I am excited, too. This is what I have been working toward for four years, and, indirectly for many more. I have spent thousands of hours studying, thousands of hours taking care of patients, and it’s finally time for the rubber to hit the road, to use what I’ve learned to make a bigger difference in the lives of patients, and to reach new heights in my medical education. I’m excited to join in Christ’s mission of healing, to work in the lives of children and their families, sharing His love with them through the knowledge I’ve gained and the compassion I’ve been gifted.

As cheesy as it sounds, I’m struck by the nobility of the profession. I’m proud to be a part of something so much greater than myself. I’m in awe of the way my vocation allows me to enter deeply into the lives of others, to be invited into vulnerability. In this day and age of consumer oriented medicine, when the doctor is often seen as the dispenser of goods a patient demands, the traditional doctor-patient relationship has been somewhat eroded. But, I so want to be there for my patients as a resource, a friend, a healer. I want to earn their trust and for them to feel confident in placing value in my judgment. I don’t want to become simply a cog in the wheel, a robot with a prescription pad. I want to connect with people in deep ways, to help them find healing for body, mind, and soul.  So many in medicine get burnt out or beaten down, but I don’t want to ever lose my humanity or compassion or ability to see the dignity in each patient I’m privileged to serve.

I feel so small, in many ways, so overwhelmed by my inadequacies. The white coat seems much too big, the shoes too large to fill. Do I know enough to help these children? Will I be able to navigate the system well enough? I know it’s a team effort – will I be able to befriend the nurses and techs and everyone else working at the hospital? And I have plenty of personal fears, too. Will I have the physical and mental stamina to endure the long hours of residency? Will Aaron and, especially, Julia be okay?

Despite my fears, I will walk in early tomorrow morning with a smile on my face and my chin held high. I walk in confidence, knowing that God is with me. He has seen me through so much – crazy amounts of studying, an incredible multitude of tests, days and weeks of terrible hours, challenging patients, family joys and sorrows, mental and physical exhaustion, illnesses, so many different trials and tribulations. God has been there through it all, and has continued to make of me a new creation, to use life’s circumstances to better align my heart to His. I know He won’t abandon me, that He will be with me in this new journey as a physician, and that He has a plan for this continued medical training.  I entrust myself and my family to Him, the Father of us all, and the Great Physician.

“Behold, I will treat and assuage the city's wounds; I will heal them, and reveal to them an abundance of lasting peace.” – Jeremiah 33:6

“Everyone works in the service of man. We doctors work directly on man himself… The great mystery of man is Jesus: ‘He who visits a sick person, helps me,’ Jesus said… Just as the priest can touch Jesus, so do we touch Jesus in the bodies of our patients… We have opportunities to do good that the priest doesn’t have. Our mission is not finished when medicines are no longer of use. We must bring the soul to God; our word has some authority… Catholic doctors are so necessary!” – St. Gianna Beretta Molla

Vacation Blog Vacation

As you may or may not have noticed, I've been on a little blog vacation. I promise residency hasn't already eaten me alive... although I started orientation almost two weeks ago, my first day of work isn't until Monday, July 1st. I've just been busy vacationing, cleaning, organizing, painting, sewing, and getting tons of paperwork, training, logistics, and many other various things accomplished before intern year officially starts.

But... I have been doing some writing, so be looking for some blog posts to finally be finished up and posted soonish.

And, I have some grand plans for some big changes here as well. I've been toying with the idea of de-identifying my blog for quite a while now, and I think I'm finally just about ready to make the leap.

So, long story short... stay tuned ;-)

Julia's First Live Show

Julia was spoiled by both of her grandmothers with some beautiful clothes, fun toys, and delicious candy for Easter. Rather than putting together more Easter gifts for Julia, Aaron and I decided to take Julia to see Sesame Street Live as our present to her. So, the first Saturday in April, we drove downtown to the big event center to see the show.

Before the show started, there were some characters out singing in the lobby of the event center. Aaron put Julia on his shoulders so she could have a good view of them. Then, before the characters left to go backstage to prepare for the show, he jockeyed Julia into a good position, close to the character, and Ernie touched Julia's hand. She was so excited. We joked that she was never going to wash that hand again. She still talks about how Ernie touched her hand.

There were also some cool sets where you could get your picture taken. We went around getting photos of Julia with lots of her favorite Sesame friends. There was also a coloring station, and Julia enjoyed making some Sesame Street art.

Julia was in a daze. Oh, the wonder of it all. ;-)

We then took our seats in the auditorium. We had a great view!

Then, the show started. Julia was so entranced. She was bouncing on Aaron's lap to the music, and singing along. She did get concerned whenever a character would leave the stage, asking over and over, "Where did So-and-so go? Where did So-and-so go?"

At the intermission, we got some popcorn. My morning sickness was still dictating I eat pretty often to stave off nausea, plus, who doesn't love popcorn during a show? We all enjoyed eating it!

The second half was a lot of fun, too. Julia continued to be thrilled about seeing all the Sesame characters and really enjoyed all of the music. Aaron and I were both so delighted to see how happy Julia was, and all three of us really had a great time.

After the show, we met up with Elizabeth and Sarah for lunch, before heading home. Julia fell asleep on the way home, tuckered out from her day of great fun!

March 2013

March, oh March. It will ever be imprinted on my heart as the month we found out we were expecting a second child and the only complete calendar month that our precious Francis Marie lived on earth and grew inside me. I had the morning sickness to prove it, and, while the sickness was awful, it was also sweet, because of the good health we thought it meant our baby. I wasn't really able to cook at all, since I was so sick. Our grocery bill really dropped as our fast food/take out bill really climbed ;-) March was the month we told our families about the new grandchild/niece or nephew they could all anticipate with love. It was the month of our new baby/new pope party. It was the month we celebrated Easter with the joy of new life inside. It was a beautiful month :-)

Aaron was on ER in March, so he worked a total of 15 shifts, half night shifts, half day shifts. Julia and I did more new creative activities while he worked because I'm less patient than Aaron about playing dollhouse for an entire evening and I had to come up with some new things we could do together, for myself as much as Julia, I think ;-) Aaron had a fun month, though, doing a lot of stitching and other small procedures. I was on my Community Hospital Internal Medicine rotation in a rural town about 45 minutes from home. I had to commute, which, not gonna lie, was really hard while feeling so sick. It was also hard to see patients while feeling so sick. And hard writing note after note and doing dictations while feeling so sick. Okay, I guess everything at work was hard that month. But, my hours were pretty sweet. I only had to work Monday through Friday, and I got done really early almost every day, so, all in all, it was a really good, easy month for a first trimester, morning sick-feeling medical student momma.

We had some fun times outside during March, especially on some of the days we were blessed with beautiful weather. As you'll see, the weather was all over the place - in some of these photos we're in coats, in others we're in short sleeves. It is Oklahoma, after all.

I made Julia a poncho with lots of different ribbons/tassles to twirl, to encourage her to twirl something other than her hair while we sit and read together. Umm, it didn't really work. She still twirls her hair. But, she does like her very colorful, warm poncho. Don't worry... she doesn't go out in public in it ;-)

Cold day at the park.

Sporting a new do, right after her second visit to the hairdresser!

Daddy was on night shift, so I decided to make it a special bubble bath night. I brought the bubble machine into the bathroom, and made bubble solution with Julia's baby shampoo and water. This kept us entertained for a loooonnng time!

On another night Daddy was working, I made Julia some paints for the bathtub using shaving cream and food dye. She LOVED it!

I realized after a while that the food dye might be bad for the grout... Uh oh. So, I started frantically scrubbing grout, and, with a lot of elbow grease, was able to get the tub clean.

We made play-dough!

Anyone remember Cecille from Sesame Street???

Babysitting Mary-Claire one evening

Yes, these photos are from March... from our side yard. Should I be embarrassed to post these? Probably. Am I unabashedly posting them because they are cute? Yes.

March was a real blessing!